The Good, the Bad, the JOW #875

The old Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western ‘The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly’ is a hugely influential movie not least because its title gave us an enduring meme.  I ran across some jokes recently on the good/bad/ugly theme that tickled my fancy so I thought I would share them with you, along with a few more bits.  I hope you enjoy them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter is taking them.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

********************

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a top professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.   A rather attractive lady driving by in a shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"  

Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."  

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?"  

Lee, being a great trickster said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her."  

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In the news: a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.  By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable." 

 In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector." 

 In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

 In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food." 

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate." 

 In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor." 

 In North Carolina, Virginia, WV, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina and Minnesota he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

 And, in Texas he'd just be "Bubba; who's a little short on ammo."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill sent me a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.  What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here’s her story in her own words:  "While out walking in the woods with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge bear which suddenly emerged from the woods and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

 If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.  The bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.  His life insurance was a big bonus.”

Some problems I have with certain words.

I object to this object.

I need to read what I read again.

Excuse me but there is no excuse for this.

Minute and minute should not be spelled the same way.

I’m not content with this content.

I am close to having to close this JOW

I should wind up this post and toss it to the wind.

And to end on a positive note, Dick sent me some old Farmer's Words of Wisdom

"Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong."
"Keep skunks and bankers at a distance." 
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stump." 
"An angry bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor."
"Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled." 
"Meanness don't just happen overnight." 
"Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads." 
"Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you." 
"It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge." 
"Every path has a few puddles." 
"When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty."  
"Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway"
"Don't judge folks by their relatives.
"Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."  
"Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. 
"Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none."  
"Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance." 
"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'" 
"Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. 
"The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
"Always drink upstream from the herd." 
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment." 
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in." 
"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around." 

And my personal favorite
"Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight or run, he'll just kill you."