I have noticed that most jokes seem to
be short these days. I blame it on short
attention spans, developed by Sesame Street education and cellular phones. We have become prisoners to our phones; maybe
that is why they call them ‘cell phones.’
In an effort to curb this trend I have a few longer jokes this week strung
with some pearls of wisdom in the form of quotes. Enjoy
·
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have
50 million dollars now but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold
Schwarzenegger
``````````````````````````````
The world's leading expert on European wasps
walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European
Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you
like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful,"
says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the
assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European
wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds.
Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and
replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant
apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and
then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an
expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these
sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the
needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon
as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I
am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever
made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the
commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's
leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There
is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European
wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the
problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears
we've been playing you the bee side."
==================
·
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it
yourself. ~ Harrison Ford
>>>>>>>>>>>>
Once there was a desert tribe who lived a
simple existence out in the wilderness. Their
leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people
believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man
with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny
began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beard, in his hot and dusty land. He
wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.
When he said he wanted to shave, the
councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you now remember the ancient
legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece
of earthenware."
Benny had heard this legend but he scoffed at
the tale.
Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and
scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a
huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared,
there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their
leader.
The council then knew the legend must be true.
Their conclusion?
"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
=============
·
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~
Jimmy Durante.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
A man went to a psychiatrist with a problem.
"Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee,
then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "Relax. It's very simple. You're two tents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
·
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What
the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden
...............
There was once an island kingdom whose people
were all fabulously wealthy.
Even though they could have afforded to live
anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and
called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a
way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested
he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in
his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the
problem.
Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an
elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use
during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed.
This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant
use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down
on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson
in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement:
"People who live in grass houses should not store thrones."
++++++++++++++++++
·
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it
easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters
++++++++++++++++
A man is walking through his local mall and
notices a Mexican book store.
He decides to go in because he has never seen
a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the
clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's policies on Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out and stay out!"
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"
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