Doggy Days JOW #877

Every year I try to do a Dog Days joke around this miserably hot time of year.  I love dog jokes, especially talking dog jokes, but I have used them so many times I had to come up with some new ones, or at least ones I haven’t used more than once.  So keep cool and remember, the eclipse will provide some relief from the sun next Monday – for about an hour.

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A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

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My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”

“Are you talking to me?” The neighbor asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”

The case was dismissed.

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I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”

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A Millennial couple begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet; so they bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

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Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $10,000.’ ‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save that much.’

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When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.

“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

·         I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

·         My dog Is so lazy he won’t even chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

·         I don’t know why my dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them

·         Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates? A: Aware wolf.

·         “We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will pee in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and may or may not get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you. The only thing cats will play are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Some non-doggy jokes -

A husband and wife were sitting at a restaurant celebrating their anniversary. 

The old guy, reflecting as old guys do, suddenly turned to his wife and said, “When I die I want you to sell or give away all my stuff.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you are still a good-looking woman.  I am sure you will remarry someday.  And when you do I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She smiled sweetly and, patting his hand said, “What makes you think I would marry another asshole?”

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My Uncle Herman, who lived in Chicago, was a staunch Conservative, and voted straight Republican until the day he died.  Since then he has voted Democrat.

Sometimes you can be too smart.

There was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco recently. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker cap was labeled pepper, and their pepper shaker was labeled salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only
the implements at hand?
Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted. "Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.