Diet JOW #890

I thought I would do some bits about losing some of these extra pounds I have. I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.  I just wish losing weight was as easy as losing my mind.  Still, with the upcoming Season of Feasts upon us, I need to try to reduce my size.  So, like many of my readers, I am thinking about going on a diet.  Thinking burns calories, doesn’t it?

·         I am going to rename my dog ‘Three Miles’ so I can tell people I walk three miles every day.

·         You can't lose weight by talking about it. You need to keep your mouth shut.

·         Dear stomach, you are bored, not hungry. So shut up.

·         Dear diet, things are not going to work between us.  You’re tasteless and boring and I can’t stop cheating on you.

·         I did not just fall off the diet wagon, I set on it fire and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.

·         Dieting is not a piece of cake.

·         I know it's 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

·         I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet in 9 hours and 23 minutes.

·         A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

·         Suck it up now, so you don't have to suck it in later.

·         I'm on the rotation diet. Every time I turn around, I eat.

·         No one wants to hear about your diet.  Just eat your salad and be sad.

·         I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

·         Gluten, putting the die back into diet.

·         Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.

·         What should you never put in an ice cream sundae? A Spoon.

Some diet quotes:

·         A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ~ Tom Wilson

·         I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating. ~ Tommy John

·         Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.
~ Wallace Irwin

·         The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters. ~Groucho Marx

·         A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
~ Hermione Gingold

·         The 2nd day of a diet is always easier than the 1st. By the 2nd day you're off it.
~ Jackie Gleason

There is a new diet called the Naked Diet.  You take off all your clothes and eat in front of a mirror.  I tried it and it seem to work because they threw me right out of the restaurant before I even started to eat.

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If we were not supposed to have a midnight snack, (called midrats in the Navy) why is there a light in the refrigerator?

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I have a friend who has been on the Scotch diet.  “Hey,” he explained, “Scotch is all natural, has no cholesterol, and it’s gluten free.”  So far he has lost three days.

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A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

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A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 5 years; a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 100 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

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Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"

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How’s the diet going?

Not good.  I had eggs for breakfast

Scrambles?

Cadbury

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The waitress was refilling coffee.

“Regular?” she asked her customer.

“Yes,” replied the man, “thanks to a steady diet of fruit.”

And here is a story provided by Woody to end things up.

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true!!!!!   
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. 
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly 
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to  realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as
the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet 
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the 
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that fookin idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it!!!!'