Fodder JOW #889

I give thanks to those of you who send me fodder for my weekly JOW.  After more than sixteen years of this I do sometimes run out of jokes.  Maybe I should just recycle some of my jokes from back then.  Lately Colonel Bill has been most generous.  The majority of my ‘humor’ this week are from him. 

Now that the clocks have been turned back we can all have our four o’clock glass of wine at 4:00.

I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.  As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.  So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle about seven times on the way home.

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·         Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept those I can’t.

·         Of course size matters.  A big glass of wine is better than a small one.

·         Not to be too technical but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.

These lines are from Phyllis Diller who remains one of my favorite female comics.

·         Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

·         Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

·         I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them 

·         The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

·         His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

·         My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

·         Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

·         Whatever you may look like, marry a man older than you. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

·         You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in Europe as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. 

Dazed and injured, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, and bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident; my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" 

    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
    Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."  

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
    After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.

    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight up – compelled by the power of the music.  Unable to contain himself, Igor dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouting Master, "Master, Master!”

"The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!" 

(It’s better if you sing the last line)

Secrets to Inner Peace.

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual on you.

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.  If you can't eat it or play with it, piss on it and leave.

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Finally, a poem from the bard of his generation, Willy Nelson.  Now in his 80’s he has summed up his life experiences in these touching lines.   I cannot wait until he puts them to music.

"I've outlived my dick."     
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,   
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!