Another churchy JOW #911

My subject this week is sort of churchy.  I realize my jokes lag major events and such by a week or two; I need time for my inspiration to settle.  I hope you enjoy them.  Oh, and look for part two of my illustrated overseas adventures coming soon to an email box near you.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..

·         The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

·         People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

·         When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.    

·         Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday     

·         A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never   been in a hole it couldn't get out of"    

·         In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

·         People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

·         The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.    

·         The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with) the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

·         The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

·         Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.    

·         The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

·         "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.   

·         The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, hear".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An old man approached the local parish priest. 

“Excuse me, father, but I wonder if you can help me.  You see my beloved old hound has just died.  I know it sounds strange but could we have a funeral from my dog?”

“Certainly not!” said the priest.  “We cannot have the holy rites given for a mere dog.”

The man was crestfallen.  “I am sorry to hear that, father.  I was going to pay $5000 to the church for the service.”

“And why didn’t you tell me your dog was a Catholic,” said the priest.  “Come in and let’s discuss arrangements.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The IRS called Father Brown.

“Do you have a parishioner named Pat O’Neal?”

 “Sure and I do,” replied the good father.

“And did he donate $10,000 your church?”

“He will.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.

After a short hesitation, he replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

=================

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

 Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
 A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

And to end, here is one of my favorites.  I first heard this back in college

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
      The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
      On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
      Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
      Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.
      'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”