A JOW again? #910

As we age it seems our interests and hobbies change.  For example, we now seem spend a lot of time going to doctor’s appointments so I guess that is our new hobby.  Personally, I am pleased to have graduated from crutches, to a cane.  It seems Ruth and I spend way too much time doing medical stuff.  But here are a few more or less random jokes.  I hope at least one of them will lighten you day.

Of note: I will be sending part one of the illustrated article of my recent trip to Israel.  I will also post it on my travelogues blog.

Let me start this week with a little literary game I play where I try to write stories in as few sentences as possible; for instance ‘write a horror story in two sentences’.  Here are some examples:

·         I don’t mind my father reading the same story to me every night as I go to bed. But he’s been dead for seven years.

·         I had seen that look of horror before --- when my wife’s mother came back from the grave. Now, my wife was giving that same look to me.

·         There is that moment in when you dream you are falling and you wake up. This time I couldn’t wake up.

·         She awoke to squeaky hinges of the attic door dropping down from the ceiling outside her bedroom. Then she remembered she lived in an apartment and had no attic.

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Pat played cards once a month with a group of friends, and he usually lost. His wife always woke up when he came home late and tried to get undressed.

One night after the card game he decided to try not to arouse her.  Pat undressed in the living room and tiptoed nude into the bedroom – only to find her sitting up in bed reading.

“Damn it man!” she screamed. “Did you lose everything!?”

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An elderly snake went to the doctor and told him: “Doc, my eyesight is so bad, I can’t see to hunt any more. I think I need a pair of glasses.”

So the doctor fixed the snake up with a pair of glasses and told him to come back if he still couldn’t manage.

Two weeks later, the snake was back in the doctor’s office. “I’m depressed,” he complained.

“Why, what’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “Haven’t the glasses helped?”

“The glasses are fine,” sighed the snake. “But I’ve discovered that I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past three years.”

Ron provided this one:

Women belong in the kitchen

Men also belong in the kitchen.

Because that’s where the bacon is.

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A flashy city boy with a vacuous blonde on his arm came into a country bar for a drink. Eventually a local guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself what we call a real trophy girlfriend there.”

“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly. “Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and great boobs?”

“Nope,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”

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In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society’s ideal of beauty changes with time. “For example,” he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”

“Why is that?” asked the professor.

“For one thing” the student pointed out, “She’d be over a hundred years old!”

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The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office, asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. 

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. 

Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. 

“What on earth did you do that for?” said Frank, “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.” 

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?!”

And finally one from Bill

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.  After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It’s a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.  A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the
gently swaying watch.  They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!  The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT!" shouted Claude.
It took them two days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens Center