Limp JOW #909

The older you get the more you tend to appreciate being at home doing absolutely nothing.  However, this healing hiatus for my knee has begun to get old.  I hope to get off crutches in a week or so and maybe start driving again, but in the meantime I am pretty much stuck in the house on some of the most beautiful days of the year.  Here are a few tasteless jokes about not being about to get around very well.

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An old guy was walking along the sidewalk dragging his left leg. Approaching from the opposite direction, he spotted another man, also dragging his left leg. They approached each other, and, in that manly way, the first one said to the approaching stranger, "Vietnam 1969."

The other man replied, "Dog doo, one minute ago".

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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

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Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so… I think they are retired mermaids.

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Three disabled guys: a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair are flying back to the USA from the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys are the only survivors. They decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; eventually they find a remote oasis. The amputee limps down into the water first, cools himself, drinks deeply and walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he insists the blind man go ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

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Husband: “I was so drunk last night that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face!  I had to crawl all the way home from the pub.”

Wife: “Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!”

This is from my recent trip:

During their holiday and while they were visiting Holy City of Jerusalem, Dennis’ mother- in- law had a heart attack and died.

With death certificates in hand, Dennis went to the Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the city for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Dennis that the sending of a body back to the city for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as ten thousand dollars.

The Consul continues to explain, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost a hundred and fifty dollars.

Dennis thinks about it for a few seconds and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul, after hearing this sentence, says, “You really must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.”

“No, that’s not the reason,” replies Dennis. “You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Holy City. On the third day he came back from the dead!

I just can’t take that chance.”

Enough limping jokes:

On a cold winter morning, wife texts husband:*
*"WINDOWS FROZEN, WON'T OPEN"*
*Husband texts back:*
*"POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT AND TAP GENTLY ALONG THE EDGES WITH A HAMMER"*
Five minutes later wife texts husband:
*"COMPUTER REALLY SCREWED UP NOW"*

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My wife just said, “You weren’t even listening were you?”

I think that is a pretty strange way to start a conversation, don’t you?

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George’s garage burned down and his wife, Tessa, called the insurance company.

Tessa spoke to the insurance officer and said, “We had that garage insured for sixty thousand, and I want my money.”

The officer answered, “Hold on there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new garage of similar worth.”

There was a long quiet pause, and then Tessa answered, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance certificate on my husband.”

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Did you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and just feel glad to be alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed to fly on that airline again.

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Observing the baby one night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment. 

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around her husband, “A penny for your thoughts” she said.

“It’s amazing!” he replied, “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”

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A man takes his son camping for the first time.

“Be sure to stay inside your mosquito netting,” the father advised his apprehensive son, “because the bugs may find you.”

Later that night the boy awoke to find fireflies making a luminous display around the campsite.

“Look out, dad,” his son warned, “the bugs are using flashlights.”