Life Lesson JOW #912

Whilst rehabbing my knee I have had opportunity to ponder Life Lessons.  (Well, okay, being unemployed also gave me some time.)  The passing of Lady Barbara also turned my mind to some deeper channels.  So after a few quick jokes provided by your fellow JOW sufferers I have appended some internet wisdom which I hope will enlighten as well as entertain.

======================

A man was at work when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring.  The man knows his co-worker a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replied sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

From Woody:

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social worker there raised doubts about their suitability to raise a child.

 The pair then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful children’s bedroom.

 The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

 "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

 Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied.  They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

The couple responded "It doesn't really matter as long as the kid is the right caliber… to fit in the cannon."

Pat chipped in with these

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

And this one

On routine patrol off the coast of California, a Coast Guard cutter stopped a small boat containing three Latinos.  “Where are you fellows from and where are you headed?”, asked the officer.  

“We from Mexico, Senor.    We’re going to take California back for Mexico.” 

The bemused Coast Guard Officer said “You three fellows are going to accomplish all that?”   

The Mexican replied, “Oh no, senior.  We are the last.  Everyone else is already there.”

Some words of wisdom

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the family dog!

Bill provided these life lessons -

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 5

*

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

*

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

*

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

*

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

*

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

*

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

*

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26

*

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

*

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

*

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42

*

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

*

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

*

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

*

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

*

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

*

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

*

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

*

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

*

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

*

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

*

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

*

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

*

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

*

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

*

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 74

*

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 76

*

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 78