Odds and ends JOW #917

I watched the NBA finals with a group of friends.  At one point the Rockets missed an NBA record 27 consecutive three point shots.  One of the PhD’s in the group calculated that, using the percentage of made three pointers the Rockets made during the season the odds of them missing that many consecutive three point attempts was 118,000 to 1.  Ah, the benefits of a higher education.  It still did not make me feel any better; it was still the end for my team.

Here are some random jokes, insights, and bon mots for your entertainment.

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Today was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg's birthday. I don't really care, I just wanted to give away some of his personal information.  -- Seth Meyers

North Korea's Kim Jung Un threatened to sabotage the Trump summit if everyone's requiring him to give up his nukes. The dictator is wary of any deal with any Americans. Three years ago, Kim Jung Un executed the first two generals who told him that Dennis Rodman was not President Obama. -- Argus Hamilton

From the Bali Man:

A 70-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices his staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition". Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:

"Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

Three from Dick

·         What costs millions of dollars but is worthless?  Second place in an election.

·         How do you measure grass?  With a yardstick.

·         Did you hear about the snail who got rid of his shell?  He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. 

·         The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 Here are a few thoughts from Bill

·Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

·If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

 ·Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

 ·Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

 ·Maybe so-called healthy living is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

 ·Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

 ·The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

 ·Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

 ·100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

·The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 all died before he did.

 ·If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

·If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

 ·If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)

 ·100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new suit, new shoes and a night on the town.  The Twenty Dollar gold piece will still do that!

Finally a lawyer joke.  Remember that 99% of all lawyers give all the rest a bad name.

A charity worker realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.   So he paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.  The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through our charity?'  

 The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'  

 Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'  

 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?  

 The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.  

 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'  

 The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'  

 And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?