Husbands and Wives JOW #913

The Battle of the Sexes is rich territory for jokes.  It has been a while since I used this theme; specifically I am focusing primarily on husbands and wives.  I have a few jokes and a few bits of observational humor.  I hope you enjoy them.

A 60 year old millionaire shows up at a party with a gorgeous 23 year old blonde on his arm. 
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 80!"
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
Man: Yeah, I knew that when I married her, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. 
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

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Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

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Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

Some quick observations

·         Arguing with your husband is fun, even if he wins... he loses.

·         I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

·         85% of married life consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the house.

·         I heard people say you can’t live without love.  I still think oxygen ranks higher.

·         My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.

·         A man simply doesn’t have a clue what real happiness is until he gets married. But then it’s already too late for him.

·         My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

·         I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.  But she figured out I was only after my money.

·         A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.

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A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a thirty year old.”

“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Husband:  My wife Jill is missing.  She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!    

Sheriff:  Her height?

Husband:  I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff:  Weight?

Husband:  Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff:  Color of eyes?

Husband:  Sort of brown I think.

Sheriff:  Color of hair?

Husband:  Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff:  What was she wearing?

Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:  She went in my truck.

Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, leather heated and cooled seats, climate control trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation and  satellite radio....

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Store that sells new husbands has opened in town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store   ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are good looking, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 1,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street, with the same rules.
The First Floor has wives that love sex.
The Second Floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The Third Floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Floors have never been visited.