Purloined JOW #916

I know a lot of jokes and often am able to recall one that is related to a topic at hand.  I have been asked how I do it.  Let’s just say it is a very strange place inside my head.  That said, I do have trouble coming up with jokes every week unless I can come up with a decent theme.  Lacking that I rely on the kindness of my readers who send me humorous bits.  This week’s JOW are mostly purloined from those kind inputs.  I hope you enjoy them.

Pat sends me some good stuff.  This is not from him, but it could be him.

She's single... She lives right across the street, and Pat can see her place from his kitchen window!
He watched as she got home from work this evening.  He was surprised when she walked across the street, up the driveway and knocked on the door!
He opened the door, she looked at him and said: "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe....you know, have some fun.  Are you doing anything tonight?"
Pat quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great!" she said, "Can you look after my dog?"
Being a senior citizen has its challenges.

Bill is a good source of humor. Err… that is he sends me some good bits such as these quotes:

"Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other."
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
"I offered my opponents a deal: if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them."
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.
"A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country."
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
"I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians."
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."
~Doug Larson
"We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office."
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author 
"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river."
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  I'm beginning to believe it."
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
"Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel they go out and buy some more tunnel."

Dick is also a rich source of material.  Here are some ironic thoughts he provided

·         I bet I could quit gambling

·         I never apologize; I ‘m sorry, that’s just the way I am.

·         What if there were no hypothetical situations?

·         It's not my fault I don't take responsibility for my actions.

·         As I said before, I'll only say this once.

·         This statement is false.

·         Don't you hate rhetorical questions?

·         God, I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!

·         The creation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

·         I can resist everything except temptation.

·         I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

·         Never believe generalizations.

·         Avoid alliterations always.

·         I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

·         Thank God I'm an atheist.

·         Just say NO to negativity. 

Here are some more:

·         There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.

·         The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

·         I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with ’Guess’ on it.  I said, ‘Left Tackle?’

·         I don't do drugs anymore.  I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

·         I don't like political jokes.  I've seen too many get elected. 

·         The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

·         If life deals you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

·         Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

·         Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

·         Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

·         Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

·         Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

·         I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

And finally an old joke on a different subject.

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
      She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
      "NO!" the children answered.
      "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
      Again, the answer was, "NO!"
      Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
      Again, they all answered, "NO!"
      She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
      A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."