Aphorisms JOW #914

 My old friend Dick sent me a few aphorisms; that opened the floodgates for this week’s JOW.  I have included a few leftover bits and an odd joke inspired by the recent golf tournament we had here.  I have to admit, it was kinda cool to be right next to the green and see Jack Nicholas sink a 40 foot birdie putt.

I hope you enjoy these little tidbits-

·         It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

·         You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

·         We have enough "youth" –h ow about a fountain of "smart"?

·         The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

·         A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party

·         Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

·         Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

·         Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

·         "I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

·         I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Shouldn't that be an even number?

·         When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

·         I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

·         Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

·         I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

·         Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

·         My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. I’ll get him for saying that!

·         I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

·         I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

·         Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

·         Of course, those who think that money can’t buy happiness are probably shopping at the wrong stores.

·         A man who leaps to the first answer is jumping to a conclusion.

·         I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you dislike? 

·         It does not matter what temperature the room is, it is always room temperature.

·         Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. 

·         You’re never too old to learn something stupid

·         Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

·         Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

·         It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

I had a few church jokes left over from last week:

A young woman entered the confessional with a big smile on her face. 

 “Oh, father,” she gushed, “I went home with Bobby McGuire last night.  We made love over and over.  I know it was wrong – but it was also fantastic.  What is my penance?”

“Well first you lady, I want you to wash your mouth out with lemon juice.”

“Is that my penance?” she asked confused.

“No, but it will get that silly grin off your face.”

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Going over our church finances I found a receipt from a local paint store signed by someone named Christian. I wasn't aware of anyone buying paint, so I called the store to point out its mistake. 

"I'm sorry," I told the manager, "but there are no Christians here at First Baptist Church."

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

And finally

The oligarch had been away on his yacht for a month, enjoying his money when he received a call:

“Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph that your parrot died.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“My God! What fire are you talking about?”

“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”

“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my $5 m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”

“What bloody funeral?”

“Your mistress, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night unexpectedly and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Nike driver.”

There was a lengthy silence.

“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”