Happy JOW to you. #949

My jokes this week focus on an element of aging, specifically birthdays.  Birthday: The anniversary of the day God slapped you on the butt and said, "Okay Kid, go get in the game. Play hard, play fair, and don't get too many penalty flags."  I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you. But then, having a birthday is a lot better than not having one.  They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.  But I hope you won’t mind these jokes which are vaguely related to birthdays and getting older.

·         You know you're getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

·         Getting older means sometimes you laugh so hard the tears run down your leg.

·         You know you’re getting older when “rock ‘n roll” no longer describes your music, but your chair options: rocking or wheel.

·         What’s the best thing about getting old?  No more calls from life insurance salesmen.

·         Age is a relative thing.  All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.

·         It would be easier to remember your age if it didn’t change it every year.

·         When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Some things about getting older.

·         People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

·         You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

·         The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

·         Things you buy now won't have a chance to wear out.

·         There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

·         "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

·         When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

·         When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

·          When happy hour is a nap.

·         Actually Happy Hour is now just Early Bird Specials with alcohol.

A few birthday-related riddles.

Q: What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake?

A: No thanks, I'm stuffed.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

A: Aye, matey!

Q: Why are birthday's good for you?

A: Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays live the longest!

People don’t always give the most thoughtful gifts.  I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, a how-to-knit book, and a card that read "Scarf - some assembly required."

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

I have the perfect gift for Cher: send her a DVD of my favorite movie about a talking pig with a card that reads: ‘I got you Babe’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother wanted to do something special for her son in college. She called his fraternity house and said she wanted to bring a cake. The young man who took the call was very excited. "Hey, that would be great!"

The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said 'keg.' "

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”

Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”

Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”

“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”

After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.

“Oh darling,” she replies, “what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

Here is one for Pat and Woody

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

++++++++++++++

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.

Half-way through her rendition she realizes she’s called the wrong number.

“Why didn’t you stop me when you realize it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.

“You need all the practice you can get!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A twin complains to his mother, “You said you didn’t have a favorite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

And a final thought:

Wine improves with age. We improve with wine.

Sports week JOW #948

I was going to do a joke about my recent time traveling adventure but you didn’t like it, so instead I decided to do jokes about this magic time of the year.  All four major sports are underway; basketball and hockey are getting underway, football is in the middle of the season, and baseball is wrapping up.  Additionally, the weather is finally nice and hunting season is just around the corner.  There are lots of jokes about sports. 

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Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well.

`````````````````````

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what kind to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and golf, but I stopped after my PlayStation broke.

+++++++++++

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences: The sport of choice for unemployed people is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Cheerleading is a sport now.

A fan spilled beer on a cheerleader's pompoms.  The cheerleader went to rinse them off in the bathroom sink. As she shook off the water from them, someone came out of a stall.  Watching the cheerleader shaking her pompoms she announced, "That's the first time anyone's cheered me on while going to the bathroom."

************

Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!"

>>>>>>>>>> 

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "No sweetie."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man agreed, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, it’s a nice bed so I guess so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Some Chuck Norris sports jokes just because -

·         Chuck Norris won gold for sitting in the crowd at the Olympics.

·         Chuck Norris won the winter Olympics... In the summer.

·         Chuck Norris got a home run in bowling.

·         Chuck Norris is the only person that can stab you with a basketball

·         Chuck Norris holds the world record for most pushups done in a hour, the number is all of them.

·         After meeting with Chuck Norris the UFC have changed their name from "Ultimate Fighting Championship" to simply "Fighting Championship."

·         While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.

·         He won it again on a stationary bike.

And thinking about the Tour de France brought this to mind:

Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Tour De France's on drugs! When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.

The poor Jacksonville Jaguars. They were supposed to be good this year but have fallen short – again.

·         A mother was about to put her son in a Jacksonville Jaguars jersey, but her husband reminded her it was a choking hazard.

·         A man took his broken vacuum cleaner back to the store. They put a Jaguars jersey on it and now it sucks again.

·         They put a Jaguars logo on an airplane and now it can't touchdown.

·         Are you scared of catching the flu? Just hang in the Jaguars end zone, they don't catch anything there.

·         Jaguar players don't always eat pastries, but when they do it's usually a turnover.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

And finally a non-sports joke

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.                
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.  
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied 

"Get him Spike!" 

Long slow JOW #947

Often I bombard my poor JOW audience with a string of one liners.  This week I have a few, somewhat longer jokes.  I hope you enjoy them.

A guy goes to the doctor because of a stomach ache.  The doctor gives him some pills, and warns him of the side effect, headaches, so he gives him tablets for headaches, but these would give him a sore throat, so he gives him a syrup for a sore throat, and lastly warns him of the syrup's side effect: a stomach ache.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man lived next door to a crazy cat lady. This woman had many, many of cats, but her favorite cat was an ugly little hairless cat that follows her around everywhere.
One day the man was using a weed eater on the edges of his lawn when the hairless cat jumped out of the bushes and ran right under his feet. The man nearly fell over but managed to catch hold of the fence and right himself…but the cat wasn’t so lucky…the weed eater had sliced the cat’s tail clean off.
The man, of course, felt terrible about this and knowing that it was crazy cat lady’s favorite cat, he spent some time chasing the wounded cat around the yard and finally trapped it in the garage and managed to carry it and its severed tail over to crazy cat lady’s house.
Crazy cat lady was very upset and since she didn’t drive the man offered to do whatever he could including driving her and the cat and its severed tail to the veterinarian’s office. Crazy Cat Lady agreed and they ran to the car and started off. They were heading to the nearest vet’s office when the lady grabbed his arm and yelled, “Where are you going!? You’re going the wrong way!”
“No,” he said, “The nearest vet is just a block over in this direction.”
“But Wal-Mart is the other way!” cried the Crazy Cat Lady.
“Wal-Mart?” questioned the man, “How can you think of going shopping at a time like this? I’ll take you shopping after the vet takes care of the cat.”
“We have to go to Wal-Mart” sobbed Crazy Cat Lady.
“Why?” asked my uncle.

“Because they are the world’s largest retailer.”

Here is a nice, long Catholic joke

The story of Father Junípero Serra y Ferrer, recently in the news, is one that few Americans are all that familiar with.  His controversial recent canonization by Pope Francis has caused many people to re-examine a record of both success and failure converting American Indian tribes to Christianity in California.  Father Serra founded a series of 21 missions along the California coastline, from Baja California in Mexico to San Francisco. 

In the eyes of the Church, Father Serra was doing the church’s work– converting the heathen, establishing infrastructure to expand the church, and making good Christian citizens.  Whether that achievement counts as a miracle or not is in the hands of the Holy Father, of course.

What often isn’t spoken of is the failure of a mission to Sierra Gorda, Mexico, earlier in his career.  With just himself, fellow friars Francisco Palóu and Juan Crespí, a number of Indians and a wagon of provisions in the form of groat cakes, he marched into the Serra Gorda region with the intention of establishing a mission there.

From the first, things went wrong.  The Indians, so compliant and docile elsewhere, were in active rebellion in the Serra Gorda.  The Mission building was behind schedule.  The extremes of weather, ranging from baking hot to flash floods, caused the crops to fail.  The food crops did not thrive, except for hay– which was useless as the cattle had been slaughtered weeks prior.

Father Serra experienced a rare moment of doubt and despair, and summoned his compatriots Palou and Crespi to discuss abandoning the colony and returning south.

Francisco Palóu, a zealous missionary, was dead set against returning, and is recorded as saying: “Do not turn your back on God’s children in the Serra Gorda, Holy Father.  It is true, food is not abundant here, but we can grow hay for animal fodder in abundance, and soon we will have many cattle ranches in this valley.”

Juan Crespi, in contrast, seems more pragmatic. He reported that bugs had invaded the Groat Cake supply, and the cakes now full of holes made by weevils and advocated a return for basic food supplies: “We cannot grow anything further in High Summer, Father, the ground is baked too hard by the dreadful Sun, the groats are ruined, and all we have left is hay”

In a passion, Palóu interjected: “Holy Father, bless us! The Lord will show us the way”

Embittered, Father Serra replied: “What should I bless, Francisco??  The fodder, the Sun or the hole-y groats?”

And finally

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Weighty JOW #936

I have been watching what I eat lately.  I call it a ‘See Food’ diet.  Actually my current diet is known in running circles as ‘carb loading’.  Doesn’t seem to be working for me.  But I am thinking about it which inevitably led to some jokes.

A letter to my diet

Dear Diet,

Things just aren’t working out between us. It’s not me, it’s you.  You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.

Some dietary laws

·         If you eat something and no one saw it – it has no calories.

·         When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count if they ate more than you.

·         Tasting someone else’s food doesn’t count.

·         Every food you split into smaller pieces will contain less calories.

·         Tasting food while preparing it is essential, and therefore – healthy.

·         Foods with similar colors contain the same amount of calories. This is why it’s fine to eat pistachio ice cream instead of spinach.

·         A calorie is a measurement of heat units.  Therefore frozen foods, such as ice cream, contain no calories.

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side. "'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud. "Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A father says to his son, "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
Son replies, "Go on a diet."

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Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

______________

Some people don’t become vegetarians because they love animals. They are vegetarians because they hate vegetables.

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Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Can I tell you a vegan joke? I promise it won’t be cheesy.

<<<<<<<<< 

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

GgggrrrRRAAIIiinnnNNnnSss!

++++++

Whenever I'm near an uptight vegan, I tend to walk on eggshells...which really upsets them. 

============

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients. 

…………….

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat.  When the carnivore stopped to get a hot dog from a vendor, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat? Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

As they stepped off the curb a bread truck came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the vegetarian’s friend, "It appears that your friend is going to pull through.  But I am afraid he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life." 

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What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? A desserter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know which type of dessert will give you the most troubles and suffering for many years after you’ve eaten it?” A wedding cake

A biblical explanation of how we got in our current overweight state.

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super-size them". And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese. And Woman gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And Satan created insurance premiums, deductibles, and co-pays.

A few other random bits

When a blind man reads a scary book in braille can he feel when it is getting tense?

“””””””””””

Next time your wife gets really angry drape a towel on her shoulder and tell her, “Now you’re super angry. 

Maybe she’ll laugh.

Maybe you’ll die.

Dog advertisements:

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.

German shepherd. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks German. free.

Free puppies...part German shepherd part dog

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be reward.

Take me out to the Ball Game JOW #935

I love baseball playoffs. It gives me a chance to go home and watch the World Series.  Just like the Cubs.  There are some things I wonder about; for example, why do we sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ when we’re already there?  Of course, women don’t understand baseball like men do.  If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.   

Following are some jokes with a baseball theme.

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A rookie sat next to his manager and watched the other team’s left fielder gun down a runner trying to go from first to third.

"Kid, you won't see a throw like that again in a million years."

Three innings later, the left fielder duplicated the feat.

The rookie turned to the manager and said, "Time sure flies up here in the Majors."

And on the subject of managers, some people think the late Casey Stengel was the greatest manager of all time.  He wasn’t but he sure was colorful.

Casey Stengel sat in the dugout with Bob Cerv. Several moments passed before Stengel spoke. "Nobody knows this, but one of us has just been traded to Kansas City."

-------------------------

"I'll (Phil Rizzuto) never forget September 6, 1950. I got a letter threatening me, Hank Bauer, Yogi Berra and Johnny Mize. It said if I showed up in uniform against the Red Sox I'd be shot. I turned the letter over to the FBI and told my manager Casey Stengel about it. You know what Casey did? He gave me a different uniform and gave mine to Billy Martin. Can you imagine that! Guess Casey thought it'd be better if Billy got shot."

=====================

On June 17, 1962, in a game between the Mets and the Cubs at the Polo Grounds, "Marvelous" Marv Thronberry slammed a two-run triple. But while he was catching his breath on third base, Chicago first baseman Ernie Banks called for the ball and appealed that Marv had missed first base. The appeal was upheld and he was called out. Mets manager Casey Stengel ran out from the dugout to argue the call until umpire Dusty Boggess said, "Forget it Casey. .He didn't touch second either!"

 ....................

Phil Masi was catching one day when Al Javery faced the Giants. The first three hitters all ripped hits on Javery's first pitch. Casey Stengel popped out of the dugout for a conference on the mound.
"What kind of pitches has he been throwing," Stengel asked Masi.
"I dunno," Masi said. "I haven't caught one yet."

++++++++++++++++ 

I want to end this JOW with George Carlin’s reflections on the differences between baseball and football.

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.  Also: in football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring. In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do.

Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.  I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a  pastoral game.
Football is a technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, like the gladiators.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, or sleet
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end – we might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!