Happy JOW to you. #949

My jokes this week focus on an element of aging, specifically birthdays.  Birthday: The anniversary of the day God slapped you on the butt and said, "Okay Kid, go get in the game. Play hard, play fair, and don't get too many penalty flags."  I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you. But then, having a birthday is a lot better than not having one.  They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.  But I hope you won’t mind these jokes which are vaguely related to birthdays and getting older.

·         You know you're getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

·         Getting older means sometimes you laugh so hard the tears run down your leg.

·         You know you’re getting older when “rock ‘n roll” no longer describes your music, but your chair options: rocking or wheel.

·         What’s the best thing about getting old?  No more calls from life insurance salesmen.

·         Age is a relative thing.  All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.

·         It would be easier to remember your age if it didn’t change it every year.

·         When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Some things about getting older.

·         People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

·         You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

·         The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

·         Things you buy now won't have a chance to wear out.

·         There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

·         "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

·         When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

·         When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

·          When happy hour is a nap.

·         Actually Happy Hour is now just Early Bird Specials with alcohol.

A few birthday-related riddles.

Q: What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake?

A: No thanks, I'm stuffed.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

A: Aye, matey!

Q: Why are birthday's good for you?

A: Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays live the longest!

People don’t always give the most thoughtful gifts.  I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, a how-to-knit book, and a card that read "Scarf - some assembly required."

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

I have the perfect gift for Cher: send her a DVD of my favorite movie about a talking pig with a card that reads: ‘I got you Babe’.

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A mother wanted to do something special for her son in college. She called his fraternity house and said she wanted to bring a cake. The young man who took the call was very excited. "Hey, that would be great!"

The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said 'keg.' "

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A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”

Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”

Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”

“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”

After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.

“Oh darling,” she replies, “what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

Here is one for Pat and Woody

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

++++++++++++++

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.

Half-way through her rendition she realizes she’s called the wrong number.

“Why didn’t you stop me when you realize it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.

“You need all the practice you can get!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A twin complains to his mother, “You said you didn’t have a favorite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

And a final thought:

Wine improves with age. We improve with wine.