Sports week JOW #948

I was going to do a joke about my recent time traveling adventure but you didn’t like it, so instead I decided to do jokes about this magic time of the year.  All four major sports are underway; basketball and hockey are getting underway, football is in the middle of the season, and baseball is wrapping up.  Additionally, the weather is finally nice and hunting season is just around the corner.  There are lots of jokes about sports. 

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Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well.

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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what kind to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and golf, but I stopped after my PlayStation broke.

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After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences: The sport of choice for unemployed people is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Cheerleading is a sport now.

A fan spilled beer on a cheerleader's pompoms.  The cheerleader went to rinse them off in the bathroom sink. As she shook off the water from them, someone came out of a stall.  Watching the cheerleader shaking her pompoms she announced, "That's the first time anyone's cheered me on while going to the bathroom."

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Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!"

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A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "No sweetie."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man agreed, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, it’s a nice bed so I guess so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

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Some Chuck Norris sports jokes just because -

·         Chuck Norris won gold for sitting in the crowd at the Olympics.

·         Chuck Norris won the winter Olympics... In the summer.

·         Chuck Norris got a home run in bowling.

·         Chuck Norris is the only person that can stab you with a basketball

·         Chuck Norris holds the world record for most pushups done in a hour, the number is all of them.

·         After meeting with Chuck Norris the UFC have changed their name from "Ultimate Fighting Championship" to simply "Fighting Championship."

·         While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.

·         He won it again on a stationary bike.

And thinking about the Tour de France brought this to mind:

Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Tour De France's on drugs! When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.

The poor Jacksonville Jaguars. They were supposed to be good this year but have fallen short – again.

·         A mother was about to put her son in a Jacksonville Jaguars jersey, but her husband reminded her it was a choking hazard.

·         A man took his broken vacuum cleaner back to the store. They put a Jaguars jersey on it and now it sucks again.

·         They put a Jaguars logo on an airplane and now it can't touchdown.

·         Are you scared of catching the flu? Just hang in the Jaguars end zone, they don't catch anything there.

·         Jaguar players don't always eat pastries, but when they do it's usually a turnover.
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Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

And finally a non-sports joke

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.                
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.  
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied 

"Get him Spike!"