Long slow JOW #947

Often I bombard my poor JOW audience with a string of one liners.  This week I have a few, somewhat longer jokes.  I hope you enjoy them.

A guy goes to the doctor because of a stomach ache.  The doctor gives him some pills, and warns him of the side effect, headaches, so he gives him tablets for headaches, but these would give him a sore throat, so he gives him a syrup for a sore throat, and lastly warns him of the syrup's side effect: a stomach ache.

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A man lived next door to a crazy cat lady. This woman had many, many of cats, but her favorite cat was an ugly little hairless cat that follows her around everywhere.
One day the man was using a weed eater on the edges of his lawn when the hairless cat jumped out of the bushes and ran right under his feet. The man nearly fell over but managed to catch hold of the fence and right himself…but the cat wasn’t so lucky…the weed eater had sliced the cat’s tail clean off.
The man, of course, felt terrible about this and knowing that it was crazy cat lady’s favorite cat, he spent some time chasing the wounded cat around the yard and finally trapped it in the garage and managed to carry it and its severed tail over to crazy cat lady’s house.
Crazy cat lady was very upset and since she didn’t drive the man offered to do whatever he could including driving her and the cat and its severed tail to the veterinarian’s office. Crazy Cat Lady agreed and they ran to the car and started off. They were heading to the nearest vet’s office when the lady grabbed his arm and yelled, “Where are you going!? You’re going the wrong way!”
“No,” he said, “The nearest vet is just a block over in this direction.”
“But Wal-Mart is the other way!” cried the Crazy Cat Lady.
“Wal-Mart?” questioned the man, “How can you think of going shopping at a time like this? I’ll take you shopping after the vet takes care of the cat.”
“We have to go to Wal-Mart” sobbed Crazy Cat Lady.
“Why?” asked my uncle.

“Because they are the world’s largest retailer.”

Here is a nice, long Catholic joke

The story of Father Junípero Serra y Ferrer, recently in the news, is one that few Americans are all that familiar with.  His controversial recent canonization by Pope Francis has caused many people to re-examine a record of both success and failure converting American Indian tribes to Christianity in California.  Father Serra founded a series of 21 missions along the California coastline, from Baja California in Mexico to San Francisco. 

In the eyes of the Church, Father Serra was doing the church’s work– converting the heathen, establishing infrastructure to expand the church, and making good Christian citizens.  Whether that achievement counts as a miracle or not is in the hands of the Holy Father, of course.

What often isn’t spoken of is the failure of a mission to Sierra Gorda, Mexico, earlier in his career.  With just himself, fellow friars Francisco Palóu and Juan Crespí, a number of Indians and a wagon of provisions in the form of groat cakes, he marched into the Serra Gorda region with the intention of establishing a mission there.

From the first, things went wrong.  The Indians, so compliant and docile elsewhere, were in active rebellion in the Serra Gorda.  The Mission building was behind schedule.  The extremes of weather, ranging from baking hot to flash floods, caused the crops to fail.  The food crops did not thrive, except for hay– which was useless as the cattle had been slaughtered weeks prior.

Father Serra experienced a rare moment of doubt and despair, and summoned his compatriots Palou and Crespi to discuss abandoning the colony and returning south.

Francisco Palóu, a zealous missionary, was dead set against returning, and is recorded as saying: “Do not turn your back on God’s children in the Serra Gorda, Holy Father.  It is true, food is not abundant here, but we can grow hay for animal fodder in abundance, and soon we will have many cattle ranches in this valley.”

Juan Crespi, in contrast, seems more pragmatic. He reported that bugs had invaded the Groat Cake supply, and the cakes now full of holes made by weevils and advocated a return for basic food supplies: “We cannot grow anything further in High Summer, Father, the ground is baked too hard by the dreadful Sun, the groats are ruined, and all we have left is hay”

In a passion, Palóu interjected: “Holy Father, bless us! The Lord will show us the way”

Embittered, Father Serra replied: “What should I bless, Francisco??  The fodder, the Sun or the hole-y groats?”

And finally

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.