Weighty JOW #936

I have been watching what I eat lately.  I call it a ‘See Food’ diet.  Actually my current diet is known in running circles as ‘carb loading’.  Doesn’t seem to be working for me.  But I am thinking about it which inevitably led to some jokes.

A letter to my diet

Dear Diet,

Things just aren’t working out between us. It’s not me, it’s you.  You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.

Some dietary laws

·         If you eat something and no one saw it – it has no calories.

·         When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count if they ate more than you.

·         Tasting someone else’s food doesn’t count.

·         Every food you split into smaller pieces will contain less calories.

·         Tasting food while preparing it is essential, and therefore – healthy.

·         Foods with similar colors contain the same amount of calories. This is why it’s fine to eat pistachio ice cream instead of spinach.

·         A calorie is a measurement of heat units.  Therefore frozen foods, such as ice cream, contain no calories.

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side. "'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud. "Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"
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A father says to his son, "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
Son replies, "Go on a diet."

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Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

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Some people don’t become vegetarians because they love animals. They are vegetarians because they hate vegetables.

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Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Can I tell you a vegan joke? I promise it won’t be cheesy.

<<<<<<<<< 

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

GgggrrrRRAAIIiinnnNNnnSss!

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Whenever I'm near an uptight vegan, I tend to walk on eggshells...which really upsets them. 

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How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients. 

…………….

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat.  When the carnivore stopped to get a hot dog from a vendor, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat? Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

As they stepped off the curb a bread truck came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the vegetarian’s friend, "It appears that your friend is going to pull through.  But I am afraid he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life." 

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What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? A desserter.
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Do you know which type of dessert will give you the most troubles and suffering for many years after you’ve eaten it?” A wedding cake

A biblical explanation of how we got in our current overweight state.

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super-size them". And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese. And Woman gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And Satan created insurance premiums, deductibles, and co-pays.

A few other random bits

When a blind man reads a scary book in braille can he feel when it is getting tense?

“””””””””””

Next time your wife gets really angry drape a towel on her shoulder and tell her, “Now you’re super angry. 

Maybe she’ll laugh.

Maybe you’ll die.

Dog advertisements:

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.

German shepherd. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks German. free.

Free puppies...part German shepherd part dog

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be reward.