Wise acre JOW #971

I was still on an academic-humor kick and was planning on doing more jokes about egg heads and the folly of some over educated fools.  I have found jokes about people like that from the ancient Greeks. 

Too often they know the too much to be really useful. They have forgotten that knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

Here are some wise-acre jokes for this week.

Once upon a time there was a learned sage who was famous for his learning and virtue.  He had many disciples who studied with him.

One day, while teaching his students, a shaft of light suddenly illuminated him and a voice echoed down. 

“You have lived a virtuous life and so you are being granted a gift.  You may either have great wisdom or great wealth.  Which do you choose?”

As his followers expected, the sage immediately said, “Wisdom.”

“It is done.” And the light faded.

The sage sat there for a few minutes before his students approached him and cautiously asked, “Master, are you wise now?”

“Yes,” he nodded sadly.

“Give us some of your wisdom.”

“I should have taken the money.”

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A liberal arts major was desperate for a job that did not involve delivering pizzas.  Finally he went looking for a job on a building site. The foreman, in need or workers says all he has to do is answer two questions correctly and they will give him the job.

"The first question is, 'what is your name?",
he answers," errr, that would be Michael ...Michael Connor,"
"OK, the next question is, 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?'..."
"Oh, that's easy," says Michael,
"Joyce wrote Ulysses, Goethe wrote Faust". 

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A university student delivered a pizza to an old man's house.
"I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got a buck, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's $5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student 

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A university writing class were given an exercise - to write as short a short story as possible using three themes - religion, sexuality and mystery.
The only A+ entry was as follows:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"

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A teacher was having a little trouble getting her pupils to understand grammar, "These are what we call the pronouns", she said, "and the way we use them with verbs; I am, you are, he/she is..." she was saying, to glazed looks.
Trying a different tack she said, "Johnny, give me a sentence with the pronoun, "I" in it.
Johnny began, "I is..."
"No, no, no, no, NO!” shouted the teacher, "Never, 'I is', always, 'I am'... now try again".
Johnny looked puzzled and a little hurt, thought a while then began again more quietly, “I... am ...the ninth letter of the alphabet".

More random thoughts

·         I don't do drugs anymore. These days I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

·         It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

·         I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party. Dressed as a goat.

·         Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

·         Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

·         I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

·         The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school/college was my blood alcohol content.

·         Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common?
Answer: Their middle names.

·         If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

·         Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

·         Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in my usual calm detached manner, "I didn't know there were any witnesses... Now I'll have to kill you too."

Finally, a few thoughts for the ladies:

·         Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain AND bought jewelry.

·         A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

·         Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

·         Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

·         Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the ground floor of a department store, two feet from the door.

·         No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

·         Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice... voluntarily.

·         Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

·         Every woman’s dream – A big handsome man takes her in his arms, throws her in bed…. And cleans the whole house while she takes a nap.

·         What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"