Tax Time JOW #973

Yesterday was April 15, Tax Day.  Tax Day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.

People who struggle with their income tax can be divided into two categories: Men and women.  Of course, some people smugly file on the very first day they can.  People who file their taxes on the first day are the grown-up version of the kids who ask the teacher for extra homework in school. 

Here are some thoughts about taxes from a variety of sources.

Indoors or out, no one relaxes
In March, that month of wind and taxes,
The wind will presently disappear,
The taxes last us all the year.
—Ogden Nash

Optimist: Someone who sets aside a couple of hours to do his income tax return.”
—Author Unknown

“The present tax code is about 10 times longer than the Bible, a lot more complicated, and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news.”
—Don Nickles, former U.S. senator,

“Taxation without representation is tyranny. “
—A slogan of the Revolutionary War and the years before, attributed to James Otis, Boston lawyer “Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.”
—Gerald Barzan

“Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed.”
—Art Buchwald

“Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”
—F.J. Raymond

A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.”
—Russell B. Long, former U.S. Senator

“Income tax returns: the most imaginative fiction written today. “
—Herman Wouk

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr."

-- Will Rogers

"On my income tax [Form] 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away."

-- Tom Lehrer

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. – Mark Twain

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the Income Tax."

-- Albert Einstein

+++++++++++++++++

An IRS agent is walking through Brackenridge Park when a mugger jumps out and yells “Give me all your money!”

The IRS agent says, “You can’t do this after all I work for the IRS.”

At which point, the mugger yells: “OK, give me all MY money!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

=============

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Those jokes led me to think about accounting which led to accountants.
Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? No? Me either.

Accountants are not boring people. They just get excited over boring things.  Accounting is far from the most boring profession.  Think of actuaries.  What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.

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How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? How much money do you have?

_____

An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don’t understand.

***********

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

And even accountants have people to look down upon

Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.

……….

What is the definition of an economist?

Someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.

My last joke this week:

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one takes some money out and jams it in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”