Teeing it up JOW #975

First, an observation: perhaps I am just getting older and my tastes have changed, but when I see fast food commercials on television the food they show looks totally unappetizing – I would have to be really hungry to eat the food they are promoting.  Maybe it’s just a function of getting older.  Now to the jokes.

The weather is good in East Texas this time of year and we have plenty of outdoor events going on.  The Woodlands Ironman just finished yesterday; I wanted to do some triathlon jokes but apparently people take their extreme competitions very seriously as there are few jokes about swimming then biking then running extreme distances.  Fortunately there is a golf tournament here this coming weekend.   There are lots of jokes about golf.  I used to play but I didn’t just have a handicap.  It was more of a permanent disability.

Here are some jokes and comments about golf.

Consider these rich and famous men in 1923

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.  What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. 

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf!

^^^^^^^^^^^

Duffer to his caddy – “Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?”

Caddy – “The way you play it’s a sin on any day.”
Duffer – “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”

Caddy – “Eventually”

Duffer – “You have to be the worst caddie in the world.”

Caddy – “I don’t think so, sir.  It would be too much of a coincidence.”

·         What do most golfers have to shoot to win their tournament? The rest of the field…

·         What’s the difference between a golf ball and directions? A man will always look for a golf ball.

·         If the point of golf is to hit the ball less, if I don’t play at all, do I win?

·         What do a golfer and a very young child have in common? They can’t count past five.

·         If you drink, don’t drive. And don’t even putt.

What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.

<<<<<<< 

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said: "No sweetie."

The woman said: "I'm sure you would."

So the man said: "Okay, I would".

“Would you still live in our house with her?”

“Probably.”

Then the woman asked: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied: "Yeah, I guess so."

Then the wife asked: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the husband replied: "No, she's left handed."

************

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun?  What’s a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.’

++++++++++

A foursome watched as a lone player played up short of the green they were on. As they teed off on the next they noticed him quickly chip on and putt out, before running up to their tee and asking to play through.

Sensing their bewilderment, he said, “Sorry, I’ve just heard that my wife has had a terrible accident and may not make it!”

*************

After his proposal the prospective groom told his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!”

“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”

The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”

==============
One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”

“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”

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A man playing golf on the 17th hole stood at the tee to hit his shot. He made a slice that went over the bushes, bounced on the road and into a bus tire, which kicked the ball back across the fairway, and onto the green, a few feet from the hole. "How on earth did you pull that off?" asked another golfer.

"You gotta know the bus schedule," he said.

````````````````````

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and game console shut down. It was raining so I couldn’t golf. So I had to talk to my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.

__________
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fore.

Some tasteless golf expressions:

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A Twiggy - a bit thin
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

And finally a husband/wife joke.

We were out digging some irrigation ditches when my husband got stung on the forehead by a bee.  He is in the ER now.  His face is swollen and bruised.  It sure was lucky that I was close enough to swat that bee with my shovel.