This and That JOW #972

I rely on people sending me jokes to fill in my JOW.  Often I will get several versions of the same joke from different people, which is fine, because I can use all the help I can get.  Once I get started I can usually think of several other jokes to fill my self-imposed quota of ‘about’ a thousand words.  It is good mental discipline. 

And on a political note: I predict that whenever the Mueller report is finally released lawmakers from both side will immediately cherry pick whichever sections they can find to ‘prove’ that either 1) Trump is completely exonerated or 2) Trump is guilty and should be impeached.  Remember that most congressmen are lawyers who can argue convincingly on any side of any issue so long as it accrues them political advantage.

Now back of jokes other that our politicians.  Here is a joke I have received several times, usually applied to various political figures.  I have instead substituted a lawyer as, of course, everybody hates lawyers.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An associate of a divorce lawyer came up to him and told the lawyer about the fantastic dream he had other night.  It was about the lawyer.  There was a humongous parade. People lined the street, cheering when as the lawyer went past.  It was the biggest celebration the man had ever seen.

The lawyer was very impressed and said, "That's really great!  By the way, how did I look in your dream?  Was my hair OK?
His friend said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed".

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Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.
He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” says the man.
“Why on earth are you doing that?” asks Bill.
“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.” replies the man.

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Two old friends met.  One, who always prided himself on having the best of everything, started bragging about his new hearing aid.  “It’s the most expensive one you can buy; it cost me $4000.”

“What kind is it?” his friend asked politely.

“It’s 4:15.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The old wife turned to her old husband and asked, “Do I look fat?”

To which he replied, “Do I look stupid?”

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Some tech thoughts:

·         As a kid I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain.  Then I got Facebook.

·         Technically, Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the Cloud.

·         I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon at the same time.  I’ll let you know.

A wife texted her husband this winter.

‘Windows frozen.  Won’t open.’

The husband texts back, ‘Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.’

Wife texts back – ‘Computer really messed up now.’

Some alcohol-related jokes:

·         The old bull rider said that he was kinda glad dinosaurs are extinct because I am pretty sure that after a few drinks I would have tried to ride one.

·         Ladies, don’t forget that alcohol helps remove stress… and bras…. And panties.

·         Dear alcohol.  We had a deal.  You were going to make me funnier, sexier, and a better dancer.  I saw the video.  We need to talk.

·         I may be older but I still don’t need glasses.  I can drink right out of the bottle.

·         Drinking at home is much better because you can drink in your pajamas and there’s no last call.

Two terrible puns:

The two paranormal investigators were discussing the spirit they had recently encountered.

“It was like it could hear everything we said,” one commented.

“Yes, it could hear very well,” agreed his co-worker.  “It was eerie.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didn’t know his blood type.  He just kept saying “b positive b positive” but it’s hard to be positive with him gone

And finally:

Poor Joe was plagued by headaches for years.  Finally, he found a doctor who had a cure.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed about this option but in the end he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in years.  As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 40 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit ... it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 40 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."