Grim Reaper Humor #974

The Baliman told me this joke:

An old farmer was sitting on his porch when an insurance agent come up to him.

“Sir, have you ever considered getting a life insurance policy to provide for your family when you pass?”

“Nope,” the old farmer said, “I don’t want nobody being happy about me dying.”

That got me thinking about dead jokes; not a subject normally associated with humor.  But, as I have found, we can make jokes about almost anything.   Let me start with some Grim Reaper humor.

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At least the Grim Reaper is better than the IRS.  He only comes once.  I bet the Grim Reaper doesn’t like his job.  He just does it for a living.  What do you think the Grim Reaper’s spouse says as he is heading out to work, ‘Knock ‘em dead?”

^^^^^^^^^^^^

The old man looked up at the black-robed spectral figure before him, scythe in hand.  “I am Death,” the specter said.

“Me, too,” said the dotard, “so speak up.”

>>>>>>>>>> 

 The old woman looked up at the black-robed spectral figure before her, scythe in hand.  “I am Death,” the specter said.

“Well, aren’t you a tall drink of water.  I really like that look with the black robe.  Are you here alone?” the old woman said, flirting with death.

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

·         Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

·         What do you call a dead fly? – A flew.

·         What do you call a dead parrot? Polygon

·         And remember, the death rate never changes.  It is always one per person.

But no more joking about the agent of death.  There could be grim reaper-cussions

Okay, one more:

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector.

“He thought he was having his picture taken.”

On a lighter note, Gary gave me these little one-liners

·         I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

·         She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

·         A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

·         A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

·         A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

·         Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

·         A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

·         Meanwhile, some stole all the toilets in police station.  The police have nothing to go on.

·         Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

·         Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

·         I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

·         A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

·         The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

·         The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

·         A backward poet writes inverse.

·         In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

·         A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

·         When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

·         If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

Finally, one from Bill

Teacher said:

Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!  "Who said:  'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:

"John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up,

"General MacArthur, 1944."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says,

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

"Damn, we’re screwed."

Little Akio said quietly,

"Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."