Mid Life Crisis JOW #1002

I just had a birthday and came to the stunning realization that I am leaving middle aged and becoming positively elderly.  Ack! That got me thinking about middle age, which led to the concept of a midlife crisis.  That will be the broad theme for this week’s set of jokes.  Enjoy -

======

Midlife is when you finally climb to the top of the ladder and find out it was against the wrong wall.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I just bought a two million dollar villa and a 500,000 dollar sports car with my beautiful new supermodel wife.

Yes, my life has certainly gotten better since I took up lying.

 <<<<<<<<<<<<<

Phil decided that at the ripe old age of 53 he needed to get himself into shape. He visited the local gym and spoke to a personal trainer who asked him if he could touch his toes.

'Of course I can't', responded Phil.

'Well, just how flexible are you?' she questioned.

'Umm', replied Phil, 'I can't do Thursdays.'

Overheard at the gym

After I turned 45 years I bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

Overheard at the bar

“Where were you all my life?”

“Well, for the first half of it I hadn’t been born yet.”

Checklist for Midlife Crisis

·         Are you spending more time in the mirror looking for gray hair?

·         Are you thinking of going either bungee jumping or sky diving?

·         Are you thinking of getting a Harley Davidson.

·         Are you bushing $ flossing diligently now?

·         Are you spending more money on vitamins and supplements?

·         Are you seriously thinking of getting a first tattoo?

_____________

Of course, Adam and Eve had their midlife crisis when they realized they were older than sin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl came up to me today and said she was having a midlife crisis.

I chuckled and said "Don't be silly! How old are you?"
She said "six"
I laughed and said, "Then how are you going through a midlife crisis if you are only 6?"
She said "Well my mom is antivaxx, so I'm unvaccinated."
"Don't be ridiculous!" I said. "A midlife crisis means you're in the middle of your lifespan right now, while right now you'll probably be dead in a week."

----------------

What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red, red wine?

UB40

……….

After years of research, the University of Oxford has finally developed a three part yes/no questionnaire to help men understand if they are suffering from a midlife crisis.

·         Life sucks?

·         Job sucks?

·         Wife doesn't?

Dave Barry had some advice to wives whose husbands were having a midlife crisis.

“If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first try to humor him.  If he wants to by an impractical sports car, tell him you think it’s a great idea.  If he starts wearing ‘younger’ clothes, help him pick them out.  If he wants to start seeing younger women, shoot him.

Older thoughts

·         The older you get the earlier it gets late.

·         And the more you relate to the Grinch on a philosophical level.

·         The worst thing about middle age is knowing you will grow out of it.

·         Midlife is when you still have hair, but it is in the wrong places.  For men, it moves from the top of your head to your eyebrows; on woman, there is less hair on their legs so they have more time to tend to their new mustaches.

·         And women know they are getting old when they go for a mammogram and know it is the only time anyone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

·         And middle age is that time when Mother Nature meets Father Time.

When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all the retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous.  One old bird whispered, “She makes me wish I was 20 years older.”
“Don’t you mean 20 years younger?” his friend asked.
“No. If I were 20 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 20 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”

“”””

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

And finally a Halloween joke

After trick-or-treating, a kid takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

A thousand and one JOWs #1001

This is the magical week when all four major sports are active.  Football is underway, hockey is in full swing, and basketball begins today; as does the World Series, featuring the Houston Astros and the Washington Politicians or whatever they call their team.  Just as I always do a Dog Days set of jokes about canines in August, I salute various sports on this special week with topical humor about various sports.  Enjoy.

----------------

Never get romantically involved with a tennis player.  Love means nothing to them

~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do Trekkies make bad sports fans?

They are always rooting for the Away Team.

<<<<<<<<<<< 

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Met a wonderful girl who was into sports.  She said she was on a soccer team and guarded the net.
She was definitely a keeper.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What do you call a man who's spent all night drinking at a sports bar?

A cab.

Two quick ‘light bulb’ jokes

·         How Many NCAA Players Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

One. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it. 

·         How Many Golfers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

FORE!

Some cities have named their sports teams after their state’s major disasters

For example:
- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Knicks (Basketball)

=========

French person: Do you do play video games?

Me: Wii

+++++++++++++

After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

```````````````````````````````````

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!"

And finally, the answer to the recurrent question, which sport is better.

A football player and a soccer player were sitting at a bar having a few too many when they started arguing about which sport was better. 

“Football, American football, is the world’s greatest sport,” the football player said.  “It is by far the most popular sport in the United States, which is the only country whose opinion matters.  Football has everything that makes sports great: violence, strategy, grace, finesse, speed, and even a little bit of sex if you include the cheerleaders.  No other sport can claim that combination.” 

“Soccer is the world’s greatest sport, you ignorant American,” said the soccer player, who was also American but forgot because he was a soccer player.  “More people play soccer than any other sport in the world.  You Americans with your need for instant gratification cannot appreciate the subtleties of soccer, its nuances, its gradual pace.  Soccer is loved internationally, and nobody outside your country plays American football.” 

“The world loves soccer because you can be dirt poor to play it, and most of the world is dirt poor,” the football player countered.  “All you need is a ball.  And that slow pace is not nuanced; it’s boring.  Soccer is the only sport where you can get drunk, pass out, wake up, and nothing’s happened.” 

Before the soccer player could become completely enraged, a baseball player interjected, “Both of you are wrong.  Baseball is the world’s greatest sport.  Both teams get an equal chance to win.  Both teams get three outs per inning, so time isn’t an issue.  It’s a perfectly designed game.” 

The football player and the soccer player were about to mock the baseball player when a basketball player interrupted.  “Basketball is the world’s greatest sport.  It’s like soccer, but with fewer players, and a lot more scoring.  It’s a game anybody can play, it’s exciting, and the world loves it.” 

Instead of admitting that each sport had its good points, the athletes began insulting other, and soon the argument degenerated, with each sport having several supporters yelling at supporters of other sports. Punches were thrown.  The police were eventually called, and they broke up the fight with a healthy combination of tear gas, Tasers, and batons. 

As the athletes were being organized into groups (jail, hospital, and home), one loud-mouth athlete who was missing several teeth (they were missing before the fight began) said, “This proves what the world’s greatest sport is.” 

The brawlers and police officers stared perplexed at the loud-mouth athlete. 

“There is only one sport where athletes will stop what they are doing and settle their differences by knocking each other senseless on a regular basis,” the athlete stated. 

“Boxing?” one police officer asked. 

“No,” the loud-mouth athlete proclaimed.  “The greatest sport in the world is hockey.” 

Millennial JOW #1000

As this is the 1000<sup>th</sup> JOW I thought I would do some Millennial humor.  I found that millennials have a dark and somewhat odd sense of humor.  There are numerous memes about the idea of calling bottled water ‘enslaved moisture.’  Like I said, odd. 

Millennials are in the prime of their lives – young, vigorous, and full of… crippling debt. That means they are 1st world poor. They own a smart phone and expensive laptop so they can go online and check that they have no money in the bank.  This leads to lots of ‘rent” jokes.

·         Look at all those millennials.  Walking around like they rent the place.

·         Millennial Monopoly.  You just go around the board paying rent because you can’t afford to buy anything. 

·         On Wheel of Fortune it would be:

Millennial contestant: “I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat.”

Pat Sajack: I’m sorry, but you’re a millennial.”

“Okay, I’d like to rent a vowel.”

And millennials are so obsessed with public healthcare.  Back in my day we just died.

Hand written  (printed of course) sign in a millennial coffee shop:

“Sorry, WiFi is down.  Talk to each other like it’s 1993”

I saw a hawk eating a piece of avocado toast.  I guess it was some kind of millennial falcon.

Millennials mock their parents for ‘not understanding technology’, then search for how to boil water on WikiHow.

Of course, my generation was the one that made the inventor of the ‘pet rock’ a millionaire.

A mom texts her millennial son, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"

He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."

The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

I haven’t done any knock knock jokes for a while.  Here are a few quick ones.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine, Hawaii you?

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Voodoo. Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are, asking me so many questions?

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? God bless you.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Mustache. Mustache who? Mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Amish.  Amish who? Really? You don't look like a shoe.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Gorilla. Gorilla who? Gorilla me a hamburger.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Turnip. Turnip who? Turnip the volume, I love this song!

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us. Open up!

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida sandwich for lunch today.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? No, car go "beep beep"!

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Icing. Icing who? Icing so loud, the neighbors can hear.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you!

·         Knock knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Dang! All this time, I had no idea you could yodel.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Keith! Keith who? Keith me, my thweet preenth!

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in it's cold out here.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my bubble gum!

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Sheesh, I know these jokes are corny, but you don't have to cry about it.

·         Knock knock. Who's there? Police. Police who? Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!

And finally, non-sequitur jokes

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"

The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"

The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

-----------------

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Penultimate JOW #999

This is my 999th Jokes of the Week.  I started sending them out way back in the Twentieth Century.  

I admit there are some duplicates in the mix, some by accident and some because I really liked them.  Probably my favorite is the free soaps bit by the terrific comedian Shelly Berman. It is my only joke this week.  I hope you enjoy it.

    What to Do With All Those "Free" Soaps When Travelling

    

      This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

  

    Dear Maid,

    Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.

    Thank you,

                                             S. Berman

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Room 635,

    I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.

    I hope this is satisfactory.

                                             Kathy, Relief Maid

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.

    Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.  I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

    Please remove them.

                                             S. Berman

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,

    My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.  I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed  inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did  not object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

                                             Your regular maid,

                                             Dotty

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,

    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.

                                             Elaine Carmen

                                             Housekeeper

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Miss Carmen,

    It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little     bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little     bars of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?

                                             S. Berman

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,

    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,

                                             Elaine Carmen,

                                             Housekeeper

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

          Dear Mr. Kensedder,

    My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

                                             S. Berman

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,

    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.  The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept my    apologies for the inconvenience.

                                     Martin L. Kensedder

                                                   Assistant Manager

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mrs. Carmen,

    Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?  All I want is my bath size Dial.

    Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

                                             S. Berman

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mr. Berman,

    You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so     I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic).  I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

                                             Elaine Carmen

                                             Housekeeper

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mrs. Carmen,

    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

    As of today I possess:

    - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of

      4 and 1 stack of 2.

    - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

    - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

    - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2.

    - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

    - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

    - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

    Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip over.  May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

                                            S. Berman

 

Dietary JOW #998

This is JOW #998.  Only two to go!

Ruth has had us on this stupid diet for almost a month now.  Dieting is not a piece of cake.  I am now considering the garlic diet.  You don’t lose weight but your friends stay so far back from you that you look smaller.  I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying down on the floor.  If you are what you eat, I need to eat a skinny young guy.  Why can’t mosquitoes suck fat instead of blood. 

Well, I am going to stick to this diet until next week.  Then we are going on a cruise, and there is no way I am going to diet on vacation.  Meanwhile, here are a few small (mostly) diet-related amusing bits for your entertainment

Diet riddles
Q: Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?

A: You can get thinner there.

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: AN IMPASTA.

Q: What should you never put in an ice cream sundae?

A: A Spoon.
Q: What do you call a man who abandoned his strict diet?
A: A desserter!

```````````

I have discovered that if you put a bit of olive oil on kale it slides off the plate into the trash much easier.

***
HOW TO BE 20% LIGHTER (INSTANTLY): 

Introducing: LITE! The new, LIGHT "weigh" to spell "light!" Now with 20% fewer letters

^^^^^^^^^^^

After going on a diet, a woman felt really good about herself, especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown a long time ago.
"Look! Look!" she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband. "I can wear my old jeans again!"
Her husband looked at her for a long time, then he said, "Honey, I love you, but those are my jeans."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?"

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, a beer or two every once in a while, and an occasional cocktail."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

"Yeah, but only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" The doctor replies "I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

That one got me thinking about doctors.

·         Dermatologist and Orthopedist merged their practices into one. They call it Skin and Bones.

And finally, an oldie but a goodie
A young guy moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.