Dietary JOW #998

This is JOW #998.  Only two to go!

Ruth has had us on this stupid diet for almost a month now.  Dieting is not a piece of cake.  I am now considering the garlic diet.  You don’t lose weight but your friends stay so far back from you that you look smaller.  I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying down on the floor.  If you are what you eat, I need to eat a skinny young guy.  Why can’t mosquitoes suck fat instead of blood. 

Well, I am going to stick to this diet until next week.  Then we are going on a cruise, and there is no way I am going to diet on vacation.  Meanwhile, here are a few small (mostly) diet-related amusing bits for your entertainment

Diet riddles
Q: Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?

A: You can get thinner there.

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: AN IMPASTA.

Q: What should you never put in an ice cream sundae?

A: A Spoon.
Q: What do you call a man who abandoned his strict diet?
A: A desserter!

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I have discovered that if you put a bit of olive oil on kale it slides off the plate into the trash much easier.

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Introducing: LITE! The new, LIGHT "weigh" to spell "light!" Now with 20% fewer letters

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After going on a diet, a woman felt really good about herself, especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown a long time ago.
"Look! Look!" she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband. "I can wear my old jeans again!"
Her husband looked at her for a long time, then he said, "Honey, I love you, but those are my jeans."

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?"

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, a beer or two every once in a while, and an occasional cocktail."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

"Yeah, but only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" The doctor replies "I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

That one got me thinking about doctors.

·         Dermatologist and Orthopedist merged their practices into one. They call it Skin and Bones.

And finally, an oldie but a goodie
A young guy moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.