A thousand and one JOWs #1001

This is the magical week when all four major sports are active.  Football is underway, hockey is in full swing, and basketball begins today; as does the World Series, featuring the Houston Astros and the Washington Politicians or whatever they call their team.  Just as I always do a Dog Days set of jokes about canines in August, I salute various sports on this special week with topical humor about various sports.  Enjoy.

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Never get romantically involved with a tennis player.  Love means nothing to them

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Why do Trekkies make bad sports fans?

They are always rooting for the Away Team.

<<<<<<<<<<< 

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Met a wonderful girl who was into sports.  She said she was on a soccer team and guarded the net.
She was definitely a keeper.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What do you call a man who's spent all night drinking at a sports bar?

A cab.

Two quick ‘light bulb’ jokes

·         How Many NCAA Players Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

One. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it. 

·         How Many Golfers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

FORE!

Some cities have named their sports teams after their state’s major disasters

For example:
- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Knicks (Basketball)

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French person: Do you do play video games?

Me: Wii

+++++++++++++

After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!"

And finally, the answer to the recurrent question, which sport is better.

A football player and a soccer player were sitting at a bar having a few too many when they started arguing about which sport was better. 

“Football, American football, is the world’s greatest sport,” the football player said.  “It is by far the most popular sport in the United States, which is the only country whose opinion matters.  Football has everything that makes sports great: violence, strategy, grace, finesse, speed, and even a little bit of sex if you include the cheerleaders.  No other sport can claim that combination.” 

“Soccer is the world’s greatest sport, you ignorant American,” said the soccer player, who was also American but forgot because he was a soccer player.  “More people play soccer than any other sport in the world.  You Americans with your need for instant gratification cannot appreciate the subtleties of soccer, its nuances, its gradual pace.  Soccer is loved internationally, and nobody outside your country plays American football.” 

“The world loves soccer because you can be dirt poor to play it, and most of the world is dirt poor,” the football player countered.  “All you need is a ball.  And that slow pace is not nuanced; it’s boring.  Soccer is the only sport where you can get drunk, pass out, wake up, and nothing’s happened.” 

Before the soccer player could become completely enraged, a baseball player interjected, “Both of you are wrong.  Baseball is the world’s greatest sport.  Both teams get an equal chance to win.  Both teams get three outs per inning, so time isn’t an issue.  It’s a perfectly designed game.” 

The football player and the soccer player were about to mock the baseball player when a basketball player interrupted.  “Basketball is the world’s greatest sport.  It’s like soccer, but with fewer players, and a lot more scoring.  It’s a game anybody can play, it’s exciting, and the world loves it.” 

Instead of admitting that each sport had its good points, the athletes began insulting other, and soon the argument degenerated, with each sport having several supporters yelling at supporters of other sports. Punches were thrown.  The police were eventually called, and they broke up the fight with a healthy combination of tear gas, Tasers, and batons. 

As the athletes were being organized into groups (jail, hospital, and home), one loud-mouth athlete who was missing several teeth (they were missing before the fight began) said, “This proves what the world’s greatest sport is.” 

The brawlers and police officers stared perplexed at the loud-mouth athlete. 

“There is only one sport where athletes will stop what they are doing and settle their differences by knocking each other senseless on a regular basis,” the athlete stated. 

“Boxing?” one police officer asked. 

“No,” the loud-mouth athlete proclaimed.  “The greatest sport in the world is hockey.”