Mid Life Crisis JOW #1002

I just had a birthday and came to the stunning realization that I am leaving middle aged and becoming positively elderly.  Ack! That got me thinking about middle age, which led to the concept of a midlife crisis.  That will be the broad theme for this week’s set of jokes.  Enjoy -

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Midlife is when you finally climb to the top of the ladder and find out it was against the wrong wall.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I just bought a two million dollar villa and a 500,000 dollar sports car with my beautiful new supermodel wife.

Yes, my life has certainly gotten better since I took up lying.

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Phil decided that at the ripe old age of 53 he needed to get himself into shape. He visited the local gym and spoke to a personal trainer who asked him if he could touch his toes.

'Of course I can't', responded Phil.

'Well, just how flexible are you?' she questioned.

'Umm', replied Phil, 'I can't do Thursdays.'

Overheard at the gym

After I turned 45 years I bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

Overheard at the bar

“Where were you all my life?”

“Well, for the first half of it I hadn’t been born yet.”

Checklist for Midlife Crisis

·         Are you spending more time in the mirror looking for gray hair?

·         Are you thinking of going either bungee jumping or sky diving?

·         Are you thinking of getting a Harley Davidson.

·         Are you bushing $ flossing diligently now?

·         Are you spending more money on vitamins and supplements?

·         Are you seriously thinking of getting a first tattoo?

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Of course, Adam and Eve had their midlife crisis when they realized they were older than sin.

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A little girl came up to me today and said she was having a midlife crisis.

I chuckled and said "Don't be silly! How old are you?"
She said "six"
I laughed and said, "Then how are you going through a midlife crisis if you are only 6?"
She said "Well my mom is antivaxx, so I'm unvaccinated."
"Don't be ridiculous!" I said. "A midlife crisis means you're in the middle of your lifespan right now, while right now you'll probably be dead in a week."

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What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red, red wine?

UB40

……….

After years of research, the University of Oxford has finally developed a three part yes/no questionnaire to help men understand if they are suffering from a midlife crisis.

·         Life sucks?

·         Job sucks?

·         Wife doesn't?

Dave Barry had some advice to wives whose husbands were having a midlife crisis.

“If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first try to humor him.  If he wants to by an impractical sports car, tell him you think it’s a great idea.  If he starts wearing ‘younger’ clothes, help him pick them out.  If he wants to start seeing younger women, shoot him.

Older thoughts

·         The older you get the earlier it gets late.

·         And the more you relate to the Grinch on a philosophical level.

·         The worst thing about middle age is knowing you will grow out of it.

·         Midlife is when you still have hair, but it is in the wrong places.  For men, it moves from the top of your head to your eyebrows; on woman, there is less hair on their legs so they have more time to tend to their new mustaches.

·         And women know they are getting old when they go for a mammogram and know it is the only time anyone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

·         And middle age is that time when Mother Nature meets Father Time.

When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all the retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous.  One old bird whispered, “She makes me wish I was 20 years older.”
“Don’t you mean 20 years younger?” his friend asked.
“No. If I were 20 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 20 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”

“”””

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

And finally a Halloween joke

After trick-or-treating, a kid takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”