Another Old JOW $1020

Ever notice the older we get, the more we're like computers? We start out with lots of memory and drive, then we become outdated and eventually have to start getting our parts replaced.  Getting older seems to be the only available way to live a long life.  But all is not lost. As George Burns put it: You can’t help getting older but you don’t have to get old.  With that in mind, here are some ‘old’ jokes:

How to tell if you are getting old – If you fall down and people come running over to help instead of laughing at you, you are getting old.

You know you are getting old when you get just one candle on the cake.  Is it an economy measure or are they want to make sure you can blow it out?  I mean it is sad when the candles cost more than the cake.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Your favorite sections of the newspaper the obituaries.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't

Some observations on aging.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he’s too old to go anywhere.

Aging is particularly had from women.  Phyllis Diller recommended marrying an older man.  That way as your beauty fades, so does his eyesight.  Joan Rivers said she didn’t feel old until she went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

You become like a bicycle - you can't stand without support because you’re just two tired. 

And thoughts on living a healthy lifestyle.

·         Good health is merely the slowest rate one can die.

·         Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

·         I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

·         Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.

Dianne provided me with these Hymns for Seniors:

·         Give me that Old Timers religion.

·         Precious Lord take my hand, and help me up.

·         Just a Slower walk with me.

·         Nobody knows the trouble I have seeing.

·         Guide me oh, Lord.  I have forgotten where I parked.

·         Blessed Insurance.

·         It is well with my soul, but my knees hurt.

Commandments of Gracious Aging

#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.

 #2 - Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

 #3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

 #5 - You have days when your life is just a tent away from a circus.

 #6 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.

 #7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

 #8 - When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment.  Now it feels like a mini vacation.

 #9 - Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.

 #10 - You thought growing old would take longer...

 #11 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.  When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, you are in fine condition," the doctor replied.  "I think you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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Two smart young internists enjoyed trying to diagnose people passing by their table in the café.  They noticed an older fellow waddling up to the café with a strange gait.  He was shuffling forward bent over with his legs apart.

The two physicians observed the old man and stopped him.

“Sir,” said the first doctor, “I think you have chronic spinal stenosis.  I think I can help you.”

“Nonsense,” objected the second, “I think you are showing the symptoms of Munchan’s Syndrome.”

The old man pushed past them toward the restroom.  “Well, I thought I just had a fart.”

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An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 101 years old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great. Is he still married?”

The old timer said, "In fact, he just got married last week."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 101-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "He didn’t want to. He had to."