A Plague upon you JOW #1022

So measures for stopping the Coronavirus mean we will have to stay inside, cut off from all personal connections with other humans.  To which Social Media replied, “No problem.  We got this.”  And not everyone has a problem with isolation.  As my friend Tor put it, ‘Some of us have been practicing social distancing for years.’

Everything is cancelled or closed.  With all the sports cancelled I’ve actually been talking to my wife.  She seems nice.  And why don’t liquor stores have empty shelves?  Don’t people realize they are going to be quarantined in the house with their family?  

It did not take long for the conspiracy theories to begin.  Some people claim Coronavirus was started by Netflix to get people to watch more of their television shows. Without sports I have to watch other things on TV.  Did you know that there is a thing called the Hallmark Channel where love actually wins in the end?  It is even fun watching the commercials, especially the ones for cruise lines and (my personal favorite) ads for the Chinese Dance Troop performances.

With all this fodder once again I will be cracking jokes about the virus. 

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I know a great joke about Coronavirus; you probably won't get it though.

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Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?

What goes with the Corona Virus?   Lymes Disease.

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Realtors are saying things like – “Can you see yourself being quarantined here?”

…..

There has been a rush on laxatives as hoarders try to make use of excessive toilet paper. 

 >>>>

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.  I’m not shaking hands because apparently some people have run out of toilet paper.

<<<<< 

There are some savings to be had because of the outbreak.  Mail order brides from Asia are now 50-75% off.

^^^^^^

Coronavirus fear is so bad in New Jersey that wives have a new reason not to touch their husbands.

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The NY Knicks cancelled their games. NO ONE NOTICED.
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Hygiene is important these days.  T-Rex had such short arms they were unable to properly wash their hands.  They are now extinct.

<<<<<<<< 

Tom Hanks reports he has the virus, but I am not worried.  He has already survived a World War invasion, being stranded on an island, being stranded at an airport, a failed moon landing, an emergency flight landing in a river, and a ship hijacking.  He’ll be fine.

>>>>>>> 

Late one evening, Norm’s doorbell rang. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. “Ah, yes,” the doctor said.  There’s a nasty bug going around.”

“”””””””

We need to have some balance around all the hysteria.  Here are some words of wisdom:  

If you can sit unconcerned while the news is declares catastrophe after catastrophe; if financial downturns leave you perfectly calm; if you happily eat what is put before you; if you can fall asleep with a drink or a pill; if you find contentment wherever you are – you are probably the family dog.

Some non-topical jokes

A man came into a store with the stated purpose of buying an inexpensive suit.  The sales clerk told him he had just the thing and had him try on a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” the man complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”

“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, perhaps it was a mistake to start with the circumcision.”