CoVid19 Dependent JOW #1024

Wow – these are some strange days….I really didn’t mean to give up this much for Lent. 

We eat all out meals at home which is fine – Ruth is a good cook.  But she has been reduced to serving broccoli.  I wonder, is cauliflower a broccoli ghost?  What is the difference between broccoli and boogers?  Kids don’t eat broccoli.  (That is a takeoff from another joke about parsley which is R rated.) 

Basketball and hockey are suspended.  Baseball has delayed opening day.  Still no sports.   I have been watching birds coming to my fountain; so far the Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 5-1.  And with all this forced isolation at home with no sports we better start saving up for lots of baby showers in nine months or so.  And just think, in thirteen years we will have to start dealing with the “Quaranteens’.

And in that spirit here are some pickup lines from Clay:

·         Baby, do you need toilet paper?  Because I can be your Price Charmin.

·         You can’t spell virus without U and I.

·         You can’t spell quarantine without URAQT.

·         Without you my life would be as empty as a supermarket shelf

·         Hey, babe, can I ship you a drink?

·         Since all the public libraries are closed, I’m checking you out instead.

·         IF COVOD19 doesn’t take you out…. Can I?

·         I saw you from across the bar.  Stay there.

·         I really can’t stay… Baby It’s COVID19 out there.

Bill has been generous with his offerings this week.

·         Can I return the year 2020?  I was not satisfied with the three month trial period.

·         “We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color.”

·         “Apparently, this year is being written by Stephen King.”

·          “Day 2 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she’s my wife. Seems nice.”

·         “Like a good neighbor, stay over there.”

·         If you self-quarantine for your family’s safety, please be smart. I cannot afford to go to 15 baby showers in December.”

·         “Actually, it’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise it’s just sparkling isolation.”

·         “I’d hate to see a diarrhea virus break out right now. People would buy up all the nasal spray.”

·         On a photo of empty store shelves: “Y’all have Walmart looking like the Cleveland Browns’ trophy case.”

·         Over a photo of a guy wearing a plain white T-shirt: “2020 NCAA Champions Shirts, $19.95.”

·         “Day 3 of working from home and my wife has filed two sexual harassment claims with HR.”

·         Above a photo of a hand with words written all over the palm in ink: “I washed my hands so much that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced.”

·         Been homeschooling the kids.  So far one gotten detention and has been suspended

·         Back in the day, there was so much toilet paper that people used to literally string it up in the trees of their enemies.

·         Over a photo of Rod Serling: “Imagine no restaurants, bars, concerts or sports. You just entered The Twilight Zone.”

·         Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that message to 10 other people.

·         Somehow we have gone from worrying about unprotected sex to unprotected handshakes.

·         Keep smiling. This, too, shall pass. I think.

Seniors were lined up at the door of a grocery store when a young man come up and tried to cut into the front of the line.  An old lady began whacking him with her cane.  An old man started hitting him from the other side shouting, “Don’t mess with us seniors, sonny.”

Covering his head the young man tried to explain.  “If you don’t let me unlock the door you’ll never get in there.”

+++++++++++++

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me at home.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answered the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”
“Jack.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” 

The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” 

The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

~~~~~~~~

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a large snail on the porch.  

“Hello” says the snail.

Freaked out, the man picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three days later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

And finally, a Woody joke

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. 
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. 
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.