Socially Distant JOW #1023

The current pandemic is unprecedented.  Historically, the closest thing to its impact on the US is the Great Depression of 1929.  I do not think we will need ten years to pull out of the hole we are plunging into, but I do believe we are going to be hurting for a long time.  Although we knew the disease was spreading, it was not until March 11^th that it really hit home.  I went by an Irish pub which was still open on St. Patrick’s Day.  They said I was too old to come in.  Oh, the irony.  It was a shock to realize that all the measures to protect old people included me!

Actually, we have taken the shelter in place advice to heart.  These days all I do is hang out, ride my bike, read, play games, eat every meal at home, and come inside before dark.  So it is pretty much like 1959 again.  Being housebound is not boring at all.  But I wonder why one of my bags of rice has 7,440 grains and the other 7,392?

Since I have done ‘epidemic’ jokes for the last two weeks, I wanted to provide some alternative humor.  But there are so much fodder from our current crisis I have to share a few more Covid19 jokes.

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·         Chuck Norris got the Corona Virus.  The virus is now in quarantine.

·         Introverts!  Now is your time to shine.  Rise up and maintain your social distance!

·         They are teaching us about ‘the curve’ and how wash our hands.  Next week we will learn about other shapes and how to put on our shoes.

·         Finland has just closed its borders.  Now no one can cross the Finish Line.

·         I hear Clay asked Alexa how to make Xerox paper soft.

Enough with the ‘sick’ jokes

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”

“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.”

“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”

“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”
The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?” 

A golf joke

The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”
“Yes,” replies the woman.
“Did you hit him with the golf club?”
“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.
“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.”

^^^^^^^

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asked.
“Here, boy,” he replies.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The manager of a jewelry store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. “Listen,” the crook says, “you don’t want any trouble, and neither do I. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened?”
The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip.
“You know,” says the crook, “this is more than I wanted to spend. Got anything less expensive?” 

++++++++

A hobo knocks on the door of the George and the Dragon Inn. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the hobo.
“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.
A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.
“Could I have a few words with George?” 

Finally, an inspirational story that fits the times

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into an old well.  The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.  He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.  A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up.  As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by
not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.