Roadie JOW #1037

 I may miss a JOW or two in July because Ruth and I are taking our customized RV, Sadie on the road.  We are heading for the Colorado Rockies.  After we get over the Great Continental Divide it will be all downhill.  Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for our recent road trip from Texas to Virginia.  There's a lot to do in Chicago.

I hope to do more traveling.  I intend to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve visited.  But first, I’m going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Here are a number of road/travel related jokes, starting with a bunch of Dad jokes.

^^^^^^^

I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my sausage out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. That's when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.

Why wasn’t the fungus invited on the road trip?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

I never travel to on a Finnish airline.  I’m afraid I’d disappear into … FinnAir!

A time traveler was in a restaurant. He liked it so much …

He went back four seconds.

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its little rock and broom.

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

What do you get when you cross a snake and a 737 jet airplane?

A Boeing Constrictor.

Here is a traveling physics joke

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are taking a road trip.

A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am." Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 60 in a 35."

Heisenberg throws his hands up and yells "Great, and now I'm lost!"
The cop gets suspicious and asks him to pop the trunk. He looks in and finds a dead cat. The cop asks the men "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?"
"Now we do!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest the physicists. Ohm resists.

Some stupid language jokes

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a juggler do some excellent tricks.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

And they answered in sequence -

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Sí.”

“Ja.”

~~~~~~~~~~~
Two cats tried to swim across the ocean. One was named One Two Three and the other was named Un Deux Trois. Only one cat made it. Which one survived?

One Two Three because Un Deux Trois cat sank!

++++++++++++++

A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband every day to check on him.

Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.

=========

A man and his family are on a road trip. They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."
The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:
"No, they're REGULAR porn channels you pervert.”

A few more unrelated jokes

A woman got two new dogs.  One was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Well, they are watch dogs!"

<<<<<<<<<< 

U2 Moving company – We move in mysterious ways.

Child Psychiatry – Where imaginary friends go to die

Psychiatric Center – Because there might not be bugs crawling on you.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

To resolve conflicts between management and staff, a management consultant brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?”

``````````

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly...

_______

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”

“That’s because you have to swear to get it started,” says the man.

“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to swear.”

“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.” 

Covid-19 Thoughts JOW #1036

I got more wonderful Covid-19 bits from Dick.  The virus has certainly been made it easier for me to find humor, mostly having to do with staying inside.  I added some good Jewish humor and ended with an experiment.  I hope you enjoy these.

Covid-19 thoughts

·         Did you every wish a long lazy weekend would last forever?  Wish granted. 

·         Days are really running into each other, now.  Some of that underwear with the days of the week on them would come in handy. 

·         I am wondering if it is too early to put up the Xmas decorations; I have run out of things to do in the house. 

·         I was so bored I started talking to a spider.  Apparently he’s a web designer. 

·         I have been inside so much that the dog looked at me like, ‘see this is why I bark and chew things.’ 

·         It’s been a great blessing to be at home with the wife these past few months.  We caught up on almost everything I have done wrong in the past 30 years. 

·         The only tan I am getting is from the light in the fridge.

·         I see a baby boom coming in the next nine months.  We can call them the C-19 babies.  I suggest names like Scott and Charmin.

·         We are almost done with my six month trial of 2020.  I give it one star.

·         When this virus thing is over I still want certain people to continue to stay away from me.

·         So my best chance of avoiding this virus is relying on the common sense of other people?  The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors.  1) How dense the population is.  2) How dense the population is.

·         The decision that liquor stores are more essential than hair salons was made by a bald alcoholic.

More Jewish humor

My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.” 

I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”

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Jewish Marriage advice: “Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?”

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Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?”

“No Morris, a man should not profit from another man’s mistakes,” answered the rabbi.

“Are you sure Rabbi?”

“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive,” exclaimed the Rabbi.

“OK, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?”

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 The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

 The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

 The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

 The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

 ---------------------------------------------------------

Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

Random contradictions.

I’s a good listener.  I love to hear myself talk.

I’m willing to feel genuine remorse if that is what it takes to get me off the hook.

I’ve noticed that I wobble a bit in my beliefs and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I figured a little false humility is better than no humility at all.

I’m not living ‘in’ this body although I make a pretty good living ‘off’ of it.

I want to think of myself as a loving person, but other people keep getting in the way.

If you aren’t a person who can ‘fake it till you make it’, just pretend that you are.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Some jokes are better read – example: How do you comfort a grammar Nazi?  “There, their, they’re.”  Other jokes, mainly aural puns, are much better told aloud.  One of the funniest types for me it the back and forth of comedy teams like Abbot and Costello.  I am going to try to recreate a bit of that type of humor.  I am not sure how this experiment will work out; it will probably be best if read it out loud.  Also, it helps to know something about ‘70’s rock bands.

Promoter: “Are you the advertising guy”

            Ad Guy: “Yes, tell me about this event you are planning.”

Promoter: “We are going to put on a big rock festival featuring famous rock bands from the ‘60’s and 70’s.  It’s gonna be huge.”

Ad Guy: “Okay, I don’t know anything about rock music from that era, but I figure we can start with signs and posters.  These are famous bands so why don’t we just list the groups, just the names, and the date and time of the concert.  How does that sound?”

Promoter: “That is fantastic. “

            Ad Guy: “Okay, so who’s on first?”

Promoter: “That’s right.  I thought you didn’t know anything about this concert.”

            Ad Guy: “I don’t.  I just want to know who’s on first.”

Promoter: “That’s right.”

            Ad Guy: “Who?”

Promoter: “Yeah, they’ll be terrific.”

            Ad Guy: “Who?”

Promoter: “The band that is on first.”

            Ad Guy: “AAAAAAHHHH.  Okay, let’s just skip the first band.  Will you tell me the band that will be playing second?”

Promoter: “Yes.”

            Ad Guy: Long pause.  “Who is playing second?”

Promoter: “No, Who is on first.”

            Ad Guy: “ARRGGG!   Please just tell me the band that will play second.”

Promoter: “Yes.”

            Ad Guy: Long pause.  Sigh.  “Okay, how about we start at the bottom.  What band is playing third?”

Promoter: “Guess Who”

            Ad Guy: “I don’t want to guess!  I give up.  Look, would you please just write the names of the bands?”

Promoter: “Write?  Write?  If I could write I wouldn’t have stolen this bit!”

Personal Growth JOW #1035

The Pandemic Panic continues.  Many people have used this time for personal growth.  I myself have grown about ten pounds.  Who knew that the phrase “Make me one with everything”, did not apply to pizzas?  My wife is growing tomatoes.  This is the best way I know to devote three months of labor to save $3.50.  But it is best not to laugh at your wife’s choices – after all, you are one of them.

~~~~~`

I was recently visiting my son recently and asked to borrow a newspaper. 

“This is the 21<sup>st</sup> Century, Dad.  We don’t have newspapers.  Here use my iPad.”

I can tell you this – that fly never knew what hit him.

``````

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus.  One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test.  This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctors tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, besides, they’re shut down too. 

Simply go outside and pee in the front yard. 

If ants gather:  DIABETES

If you pee on your feet:  PROSTATE

If it smells like a barbecue:  CHOLESTEROL 

If your wrist hurts when you shake it:  OSTEOARTHRITIS

If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants:  ALZHEIMER'S

-----

Just remember that jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite not having a brain.  This gives hope for so many people.

Dick and his crew have been giving me some very funny jokes lately.  Here is one.

 A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.”

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.”

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”

And finally

A woman contacts her brother-in-law to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Clay, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.
"Do you know what I do for a living?"
She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"
"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as many as possible, we've streamlined the process and now everyone involved is heavily specialized. There are people who spend their whole day throwing lines out. They just move from line to line, throwing it out and moving on. Then there are other people who keep their eyes on a bunch of lines, and when a fish tugs on one, they run over and jerk the line to hook the fish. All day, just hooking fish after fish. Then they move on, and someone else comes up and reels the fish in. Then someone else collects the fish, and someone else carries them to the warehouse to be gutted. Etc, etc, etc."
"That seems like it would be tedious. How do you decide which job you want? Do you just end up doing whatever you started with until you quit?"
"Well, no. Everyone starts by hooking the fish. Not many people really like that job, so everyone has to start there. After you've been at it for a while, if a position opens up somewhere else, you can spend a few days trying out casting or reeling. The jobs that pay the best, the ones that everybody wants, are baiting and gutting the fish. Gutting isn't pleasant, but the pay is good and you can work indoors."
She thinks about that for a minute, then nods. "Okay, so what do you do?"
"Me? I'm a baiter. Have been for years!" Uncle Clay is clearly proud of himself. "Not only that, but I'm at the top of the game. See how there are people fishing all up and down here? Well, what you probably don't realize is that you have to earn your position. Newbies and people who aren't good at their job start out here on the street. If you're good enough, though, you can earn a spot working on the pier, where they get twice as many fish. And if you're a master of your specialty, you can get a place out there at the very end. That's where they catch the most and the best fish, and that's where I work!"
The girl doesn't find this very interesting, but she goes out with her uncle and watches and helps for a few hours at the end of the pier. She hates it. The bait is disgusting, the hooks keep on pricking her. It's miserable. About halfway through the day, though a spot opens up out on the street, and she jumps at the chance to get away from her Uncle's prized job.
That night, at dinner, her mother asks, "So, how was your day with your uncle? Where did you go? What did you learn?"
She thinks for a minute before replying: "We went to the shore today, and I learned one thing for certain. I'd rather be a lowly street hooker than spend the rest of my life as a master baiter like Uncle Clay."

Last minute JOW #1034

We just got back from a trip to see the adorable new granddaughter in Virginia and I realized that my JOW this week was late!  So I put together a few jokes on getting things done at the last minute.  I hope you like them

______________

I didn't like my beard so I decided to shave it.  I changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

^^^^^^

There was supposed to give a lecture on herpes today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.

******

I waited until the last minute to study for my driver’s exam and ended up taking a crash course.

~~~~

I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.

Now all I can do is panic.

`````````

What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?

Critical Mass

>>>>>>>>> 

How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but they'll leave it till last minute to turn it in.

“””””””

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up from collecting the last of the snails and the beautiful woman was right next to him. They started talking and time slipped away. Suddenly he realized he was late in getting the snails back to the dinner party.  He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

+++++++++++

Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. Oh dear, she said, there’s no time bake another cake.
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom: a fresh roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it up with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30 and to buy this cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think of her? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.
That night Alice was lying awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon and try to have a good time there.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a real snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because Alice was a single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa but having already RSVP’ed, she could not think of a believable excuse to stay away.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust Old South . . . .
To Alice’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw it being brought in. She started out of her chair to rush to the hostess and tell her all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the snooty hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”
Alice smiled and thought to herself, God is good.

And finally a non-last minute joke

A millennial received an uncle’s beloved old hot rod in a will.  She tried to get it to start but although it would crank it would not run.  She took it to a mechanic and asked him to fix it. When she returned the old hot rod was idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

California Dreaming JOW #1033

I am trying to get away from plague jokes but they are so easy; here are few more:

·         After all this time ‘socially distancing’ the guy who picks up my recycling left me an AA flyer. 

·         It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.  

·         Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop Covid-19, but to stop eating.  

A Californian suggested I do some jokes about California – a rich source of humor.  Here are a few examples:

A police officer stops a California Valley Girl for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. First you take away my license and then you expect me to show it to you!"

Some California riddles.

Q: Why do all the trees in Arizona lean west?

A: California Sucks

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit and discuss the environmental impact.

Actually Californians don’t screw in light bulbs at all. They screw in hot tubs.

Q: Why are people surprised by a Sociologists predictions that San Francisco's birth rate will decline sharply this decade?

A: Most people didn't know San Francisco had a birth rate.
Q: Why do San Diego State students have such beautiful noses?

A: They're hand picked.

Q: Why did USC disband its water polo team?

A: All the horses drowned.

Q: What's the difference between a UCLA diploma and toilet paper?

A: About $80,000 per sheet.

Q: What does it say on the back of every UC Berkley diploma?

A: Will Work for Food.
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?

A: She applies to Cal State.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps UC Fullerton basketball players from graduating?

A: Going to Class.
^^^^
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses. The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap. A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full wine bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine!

The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, and then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
This is actually based on a true story – with some exaggerations
The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and realizes the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects his dog and bills the state $300 for testing it for diseases.

The running trail gets shut down for six months while the California Fish and Game Department conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area. The Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training, re: the nature of coyotes. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and tries to attack his dog. The governor shoots the coyote with his pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor spent 50 cents on a .380-caliber cartridge. Buzzards ate the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Some jokes are better done orally.  Such as this one purloined from the famous Abbott & Costello act.  Try reading it aloud.

Trump’s stopped funding who?

Yes!

So who doesn’t get the money?

Not a penny

What’s the name of the organization?

WHO

The one that’s not getting the money.

WHO is not getting the money.

That’s what I’m asking you!

Finally, a simple but fun joke from Dick

Once upon a time there were two little twin skunks, Out and In.  Whenever In was out, Out was in, and whenever Out was out, In was in.  One day Momma Skunk was looking for both of them, and she called and she called and she called.  Finally, Out came in. 

She asked him, “Where’s your brother In, Out?” 

And he replied, “Out.” 

So she went out to look for In, but couldn’t find him at all. 

Finally, Out said, “Why don’t I go to look for In?”  And pretty soon, Out brought his brother In in. 

Momma Skunk was VERY pleased, and she asked him, “Out, how did you find In so quickly?” 

Out answered “In stinkt.”