California Dreaming JOW #1033

I am trying to get away from plague jokes but they are so easy; here are few more:

·         After all this time ‘socially distancing’ the guy who picks up my recycling left me an AA flyer. 

·         It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.  

·         Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop Covid-19, but to stop eating.  

A Californian suggested I do some jokes about California – a rich source of humor.  Here are a few examples:

A police officer stops a California Valley Girl for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. First you take away my license and then you expect me to show it to you!"

Some California riddles.

Q: Why do all the trees in Arizona lean west?

A: California Sucks

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit and discuss the environmental impact.

Actually Californians don’t screw in light bulbs at all. They screw in hot tubs.

Q: Why are people surprised by a Sociologists predictions that San Francisco's birth rate will decline sharply this decade?

A: Most people didn't know San Francisco had a birth rate.
Q: Why do San Diego State students have such beautiful noses?

A: They're hand picked.

Q: Why did USC disband its water polo team?

A: All the horses drowned.

Q: What's the difference between a UCLA diploma and toilet paper?

A: About $80,000 per sheet.

Q: What does it say on the back of every UC Berkley diploma?

A: Will Work for Food.
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?

A: She applies to Cal State.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps UC Fullerton basketball players from graduating?

A: Going to Class.
^^^^
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses. The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap. A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full wine bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine!

The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, and then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
This is actually based on a true story – with some exaggerations
The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and realizes the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects his dog and bills the state $300 for testing it for diseases.

The running trail gets shut down for six months while the California Fish and Game Department conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area. The Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training, re: the nature of coyotes. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and tries to attack his dog. The governor shoots the coyote with his pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor spent 50 cents on a .380-caliber cartridge. Buzzards ate the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Some jokes are better done orally.  Such as this one purloined from the famous Abbott & Costello act.  Try reading it aloud.

Trump’s stopped funding who?

Yes!

So who doesn’t get the money?

Not a penny

What’s the name of the organization?

WHO

The one that’s not getting the money.

WHO is not getting the money.

That’s what I’m asking you!

Finally, a simple but fun joke from Dick

Once upon a time there were two little twin skunks, Out and In.  Whenever In was out, Out was in, and whenever Out was out, In was in.  One day Momma Skunk was looking for both of them, and she called and she called and she called.  Finally, Out came in. 

She asked him, “Where’s your brother In, Out?” 

And he replied, “Out.” 

So she went out to look for In, but couldn’t find him at all. 

Finally, Out said, “Why don’t I go to look for In?”  And pretty soon, Out brought his brother In in. 

Momma Skunk was VERY pleased, and she asked him, “Out, how did you find In so quickly?” 

Out answered “In stinkt.”