I got more wonderful Covid-19 bits from Dick. The virus has certainly been made it easier
for me to find humor, mostly having to do with staying inside. I added some good Jewish humor and ended with
an experiment. I hope you enjoy these.
Covid-19 thoughts
·
Did you every wish a long lazy weekend
would last forever? Wish granted.
·
Days are really running into each
other, now. Some of that underwear with
the days of the week on them would come in handy.
·
I am wondering if it is too early to
put up the Xmas decorations; I have run out of things to do in the house.
·
I was so bored I started talking to a
spider. Apparently he’s a web
designer.
·
I have been inside so much that the
dog looked at me like, ‘see this is why I bark and chew things.’
·
It’s been a great blessing to be at
home with the wife these past few months.
We caught up on almost everything I have done wrong in the past 30
years.
·
The only tan I am getting is from the
light in the fridge.
·
I see a baby boom coming in the next
nine months. We can call them the C-19
babies. I suggest names like Scott and
Charmin.
·
We are almost done with my six month
trial of 2020. I give it one star.
·
When this virus thing is over I still
want certain people to continue to stay away from me.
·
So my best chance of avoiding this
virus is relying on the common sense of other people? The spread of Covid-19 is based on two
factors. 1) How dense the population
is. 2) How dense the population is.
·
The decision that liquor stores are
more essential than hair salons was made by a bald alcoholic.
More Jewish humor
My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same
belief as the family.”
I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who
thinks I’m a schmuck?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Jewish Marriage advice: “Don’t marry a
beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you
too. But who cares?”
-----------------------------------------------------------
Morris went to his rabbi for some needed
advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s
mistakes?”
“No Morris, a man should not profit from
another man’s mistakes,” answered the rabbi.
“Are you sure Rabbi?”
“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive,” exclaimed
the Rabbi.
“OK, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about
returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?”
--------------------------------------------------------
The Italian says, "I'm tired and
thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and
thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and
thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and
thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and
thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I
must have diabetes."
---------------------------------------------------------
Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive
and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”
Random contradictions.
I’s a good listener. I love to hear myself talk.
I’m willing to feel genuine remorse if that is
what it takes to get me off the hook.
I’ve noticed that I wobble a bit in my beliefs
and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I figured a little false humility is better
than no humility at all.
I’m not living ‘in’ this body although I make
a pretty good living ‘off’ of it.
I want to think of myself as a loving person,
but other people keep getting in the way.
If you aren’t a person who can ‘fake it till
you make it’, just pretend that you are.
>>>>>>>>>>
Some jokes are better read – example: How do
you comfort a grammar Nazi? “There,
their, they’re.” Other jokes, mainly aural
puns, are much better told aloud. One of
the funniest types for me it the back and forth of comedy teams like Abbot and
Costello. I am going to try to recreate
a bit of that type of humor. I am not
sure how this experiment will work out; it will probably be best if read it out
loud. Also, it helps to know something about
‘70’s rock bands.
Promoter: “Are you the advertising guy”
Ad
Guy: “Yes, tell me about this event you are planning.”
Promoter: “We are going to put on a big rock
festival featuring famous rock bands from the ‘60’s and 70’s. It’s gonna be huge.”
Ad Guy: “Okay, I
don’t know anything about rock music from that era, but I figure we can start
with signs and posters. These are famous
bands so why don’t we just list the groups, just the names, and the date and
time of the concert. How does that
sound?”
Promoter: “That is fantastic. “
Ad
Guy: “Okay, so who’s on first?”
Promoter: “That’s right. I thought you didn’t know anything about this
concert.”
Ad
Guy: “I don’t. I just want to know who’s
on first.”
Promoter: “That’s right.”
Ad
Guy: “Who?”
Promoter: “Yeah, they’ll be terrific.”
Ad
Guy: “Who?”
Promoter: “The band that is on first.”
Ad
Guy: “AAAAAAHHHH. Okay, let’s just skip
the first band. Will you tell me the band
that will be playing second?”
Promoter: “Yes.”
Ad
Guy: Long pause. “Who is playing second?”
Promoter: “No, Who is on first.”
Ad
Guy: “ARRGGG! Please just tell me the
band that will play second.”
Promoter: “Yes.”
Ad
Guy: Long pause. Sigh. “Okay, how about we start at the bottom. What band is playing third?”
Promoter: “Guess Who”
Ad
Guy: “I don’t want to guess! I give
up. Look, would you please just write
the names of the bands?”
Promoter: “Write? Write?
If I could write I wouldn’t have stolen this bit!”
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