The Pandemic Panic
continues. Many people have used this
time for personal growth. I myself have
grown about ten pounds. Who knew that
the phrase “Make me one with everything”, did not apply to pizzas? My wife is growing tomatoes. This is the best way I know to devote three
months of labor to save $3.50. But it is
best not to laugh at your wife’s choices – after all, you are one of them.
~~~~~`
I was recently visiting my
son recently and asked to borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st
Century, Dad. We don’t have
newspapers. Here use my iPad.”
I can tell you this – that
fly never knew what hit him.
``````
My urologist’s office
called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be
done over the phone due to the coronavirus. One hour before the scheduled
teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine
test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your
doctors tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, besides, they’re shut down
too.
Simply go outside and pee
in the front yard.
If ants gather:
DIABETES
If you pee on your
feet: PROSTATE
If it smells like a
barbecue: CHOLESTEROL
If your wrist hurts when
you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS
If you return to your
house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S
-----
Just remember that
jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite not having a brain. This gives hope for so many people.
Dick and his crew have
been giving me some very funny jokes lately.
Here is one.
A Jewish
congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his
hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greets the Rabbi with,
“Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul
arranged for you.”
The Rabbi is incensed. He
picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt,
what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our
religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of
this.”
Hearing this, the naked
woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and
asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”
And finally
A woman contacts her
brother-in-law to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...
The brother-in-law, Clay,
grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline
where he works.
"Do you know what I do for a living?"
She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"
"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as many as possible, we've streamlined the process and now everyone involved is heavily specialized. There are people who spend their whole day throwing lines out. They just move from line to line, throwing it out and moving on. Then there are other people who keep their eyes on a bunch of lines, and when a fish tugs on one, they run over and jerk the line to hook the fish. All day, just hooking fish after fish. Then they move on, and someone else comes up and reels the fish in. Then someone else collects the fish, and someone else carries them to the warehouse to be gutted. Etc, etc, etc."
"That seems like it would be tedious. How do you decide which job you want? Do you just end up doing whatever you started with until you quit?"
"Well, no. Everyone starts by hooking the fish. Not many people really like that job, so everyone has to start there. After you've been at it for a while, if a position opens up somewhere else, you can spend a few days trying out casting or reeling. The jobs that pay the best, the ones that everybody wants, are baiting and gutting the fish. Gutting isn't pleasant, but the pay is good and you can work indoors."
She thinks about that for a minute, then nods. "Okay, so what do you do?"
"Me? I'm a baiter. Have been for years!" Uncle Clay is clearly proud of himself. "Not only that, but I'm at the top of the game. See how there are people fishing all up and down here? Well, what you probably don't realize is that you have to earn your position. Newbies and people who aren't good at their job start out here on the street. If you're good enough, though, you can earn a spot working on the pier, where they get twice as many fish. And if you're a master of your specialty, you can get a place out there at the very end. That's where they catch the most and the best fish, and that's where I work!"
The girl doesn't find this very interesting, but she goes out with her uncle and watches and helps for a few hours at the end of the pier. She hates it. The bait is disgusting, the hooks keep on pricking her. It's miserable. About halfway through the day, though a spot opens up out on the street, and she jumps at the chance to get away from her Uncle's prized job.
That night, at dinner, her mother asks, "So, how was your day with your uncle? Where did you go? What did you learn?"
She thinks for a minute before replying: "We went to the shore today, and I learned one thing for certain. I'd rather be a lowly street hooker than spend the rest of my life as a master baiter like Uncle Clay."
"Do you know what I do for a living?"
She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"
"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as many as possible, we've streamlined the process and now everyone involved is heavily specialized. There are people who spend their whole day throwing lines out. They just move from line to line, throwing it out and moving on. Then there are other people who keep their eyes on a bunch of lines, and when a fish tugs on one, they run over and jerk the line to hook the fish. All day, just hooking fish after fish. Then they move on, and someone else comes up and reels the fish in. Then someone else collects the fish, and someone else carries them to the warehouse to be gutted. Etc, etc, etc."
"That seems like it would be tedious. How do you decide which job you want? Do you just end up doing whatever you started with until you quit?"
"Well, no. Everyone starts by hooking the fish. Not many people really like that job, so everyone has to start there. After you've been at it for a while, if a position opens up somewhere else, you can spend a few days trying out casting or reeling. The jobs that pay the best, the ones that everybody wants, are baiting and gutting the fish. Gutting isn't pleasant, but the pay is good and you can work indoors."
She thinks about that for a minute, then nods. "Okay, so what do you do?"
"Me? I'm a baiter. Have been for years!" Uncle Clay is clearly proud of himself. "Not only that, but I'm at the top of the game. See how there are people fishing all up and down here? Well, what you probably don't realize is that you have to earn your position. Newbies and people who aren't good at their job start out here on the street. If you're good enough, though, you can earn a spot working on the pier, where they get twice as many fish. And if you're a master of your specialty, you can get a place out there at the very end. That's where they catch the most and the best fish, and that's where I work!"
The girl doesn't find this very interesting, but she goes out with her uncle and watches and helps for a few hours at the end of the pier. She hates it. The bait is disgusting, the hooks keep on pricking her. It's miserable. About halfway through the day, though a spot opens up out on the street, and she jumps at the chance to get away from her Uncle's prized job.
That night, at dinner, her mother asks, "So, how was your day with your uncle? Where did you go? What did you learn?"
She thinks for a minute before replying: "We went to the shore today, and I learned one thing for certain. I'd rather be a lowly street hooker than spend the rest of my life as a master baiter like Uncle Clay."
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