Roadie JOW #1037

 I may miss a JOW or two in July because Ruth and I are taking our customized RV, Sadie on the road.  We are heading for the Colorado Rockies.  After we get over the Great Continental Divide it will be all downhill.  Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for our recent road trip from Texas to Virginia.  There's a lot to do in Chicago.

I hope to do more traveling.  I intend to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve visited.  But first, I’m going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Here are a number of road/travel related jokes, starting with a bunch of Dad jokes.

^^^^^^^

I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my sausage out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. That's when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.

Why wasn’t the fungus invited on the road trip?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

I never travel to on a Finnish airline.  I’m afraid I’d disappear into … FinnAir!

A time traveler was in a restaurant. He liked it so much …

He went back four seconds.

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its little rock and broom.

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

What do you get when you cross a snake and a 737 jet airplane?

A Boeing Constrictor.

Here is a traveling physics joke

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are taking a road trip.

A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am." Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 60 in a 35."

Heisenberg throws his hands up and yells "Great, and now I'm lost!"
The cop gets suspicious and asks him to pop the trunk. He looks in and finds a dead cat. The cop asks the men "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?"
"Now we do!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest the physicists. Ohm resists.

Some stupid language jokes

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a juggler do some excellent tricks.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

And they answered in sequence -

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Sí.”

“Ja.”

~~~~~~~~~~~
Two cats tried to swim across the ocean. One was named One Two Three and the other was named Un Deux Trois. Only one cat made it. Which one survived?

One Two Three because Un Deux Trois cat sank!

++++++++++++++

A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband every day to check on him.

Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.

=========

A man and his family are on a road trip. They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."
The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:
"No, they're REGULAR porn channels you pervert.”

A few more unrelated jokes

A woman got two new dogs.  One was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Well, they are watch dogs!"

<<<<<<<<<< 

U2 Moving company – We move in mysterious ways.

Child Psychiatry – Where imaginary friends go to die

Psychiatric Center – Because there might not be bugs crawling on you.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

To resolve conflicts between management and staff, a management consultant brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?”

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WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly...

_______

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”

“That’s because you have to swear to get it started,” says the man.

“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to swear.”

“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”