First, I want to let all of you know that there is an
email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can. Do not open it. It is Spam. I am back to Covid 19 jokes again. Why is it 19?
Were we just not paying attention to Covids 1-18?
Dick sent me some very useful new terms for these crazy
times.
Some new quarantine vocabulary:
Coronacoaster
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.
Quarantinis
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. A Southern Comfort and scotch quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. A Southern Comfort and scotch quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
Blue Skype thinking
A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a ”Zoomposium” . Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.
A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a ”Zoomposium” . Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.
Coronials
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.
Furlough Merlot
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.
Coronadose
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.
The elephant in
the Zoom
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.
Quentin Quarantino
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.
Covidiot
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown”.
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown”.
Goutbreak
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.
Antisocial
distancing
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbors and generally ignoring people you find irritating.
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbors and generally ignoring people you find irritating.
Coughin’ dodger
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.
Mask-ara
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.
Covid-10
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”.
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”.
Enough with the virus humor
“Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addict Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here today, and
frankly, I’m disappointed.”
=======
Adulatory is a sin.
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
~~~~
Adult to child: “What’s the magic words that get you what
you want?”
Child" “I’m Offended”
------
Ladies – Husbands are the best people to share secrets
with. They will never reveal you secrets
to anyone because they aren’t listening.
<<<<
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s Chicken was fried in Olive oil?
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s Chicken was fried in Olive oil?
>>>>.
They asked me for a stool sample. So I got one at the furniture store.
….
As the man was getting in to be she said to him, “You’re
drunk.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you live next door.”
I did a tooth fairy joke last week. Here is another one.
Dear Donovan,
I tried to come in and get your tooth but there were so
many toys on your floor I tripped and fell.
I am going to come back tonight for your tooth. Please make sure your room is clean so I
won’t hurt myself again. Signed, The
Tooth Fairy.
Which reminded me of more kid humor
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher
was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's
dead."
*****
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't
empty."
Two quick bit of Jewish humor.
If the rich could hire the poor to die for them, the poor
would make a very nice living. - Yiddish saying
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Maurice
and Abe are both in love with me; who will be the lucky one?”
The wise old Rabbi answers, “Maurice will marry you. Abe
will be the lucky one.
And finally one for Don.
Dying With Dignity
I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an expensive nursing home which would allow me to die poor and very old. I have therefore moved to Costa Rica so that I can spend my final years enjoying life, and dying with Dignity. Oh, by the way, Dignity turns 24 this week.
I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an expensive nursing home which would allow me to die poor and very old. I have therefore moved to Costa Rica so that I can spend my final years enjoying life, and dying with Dignity. Oh, by the way, Dignity turns 24 this week.
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