The days of mid-August are called the Dog Days, named after the Dog Star, Sirius. These are considered the hottest, most miserable days of the year. In my mind, the dog days of August are only good if they are chili cheese dogs. Every year at this time I do dog-themed jokes of the week. Recently I got my dogs collars with their names on them. Yes, my high-tech dogs have collar I.D.
Before I begin with the dog jokes, I have one Covid joke
and one hot weather observation.
Mike has decided that fencing is the perfect Covid 19
sport. Everybody wears masks and gloves
and if anyone gets too close you stab them.
Mary reminded me that the seasons in east Texas are:
Winter
Spring
Summer
Summer
Still summer
Hell’s anteroom
Still summer
Fal… Nope – still summer
Fall-ish
Summer again
Finally - Fall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The real reason why old dogs can’t learn new tricks is
because they end up eating all their homework from obedience school.
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell
rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
My wife and I began to long for the pitter-patter of
little feet, so we got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
For a long time, my baseball coach wanted to recruit my
dog to the team. I guess it was because my dog always got walked.
Be aware that if you buy a dog from a blacksmith, as soon
as he gets to the home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Rodney Dangerfield dog jokes:
·
The other day I looked up my family tree. A dog was peeing on it.
·
People say my dog and I look alike. When he heard that he ran away.
·
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars.
He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
^^^^
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the
store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at
Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN,
all before I get out of bed.”
“I know,” says the second owner.
“How do you know?” the
first demands.
“My dog told me.”
>>>>>>>
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other,
“You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my
hindquarters.” The other horse says,
“Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race
that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped.
They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a
talking dog!”
Dog riddles
Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike? A: One
wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Q: What do you get when you have a dog with an abacus? A:
A friend you can count on.
Q: How do dog catchers get paid? A: By the pound.
>>>>>>>
"For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and
an Alaskan hussy."
--------
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches
you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the
video, your dog is smarter than you.
A doggie medical story
When our dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian ordered
a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the
cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was
uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain
things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a
sick dog."
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two
bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."
========
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day
somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard
my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It's human nature."
____________
A dog walks into a job center, walks up to the
receptionist and says. “I’m looking for a job.”
‘Wow, a talking
dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the
circus.’
‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with
a plumber?
And finally, one of my favorite jokes.
A drunk staggers into a bar followed by a nondescript
dog.
“Hey,” shouted the barkeep, “get that dog out of here.”
“Wait,” objected the drunk as he plopped on one of the
barstools “This dog can talk.”
“Get out of here.”
“No, really. Let
me prove it. I will ask him a question
and the dog will answer. Watch.” The dog hopped on to the stool next to him and
looked at his tipsy master. As the large
bartender glowered he drunk concentrated and then turned to the dog. “Dog, what is on top of a house?”
“Roof.”
The bartender was not amused, and prepared to eject the
drunk and his dog.
“Wait, that was too easy,” protested the drunk. “Let me try again. Dog, how does sandpaper feel?”
“Ruff.”
The bartender is getting pretty steamed by now but the
drunk puts him off with one more question.
“Dog, who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?”
“Ruth.”
The barkeep was not amused. He grabbed the man by seat of
his pants and threw him out onto the street.
The drunk pulled himself up and sat on the curb. The dog trotted out of the bar and sat beside
him.
The man looked at the dog. The dog looked at the man. The dog said, “DiMaggio?”
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