If you go back you can find people who commented in December that the year 2019 had been just a horrible year. Yeah, think of what they’re gonna say when we finally end 2020. I mean, on top of everything else, we have two hurricanes in the Gulf at the same time. The odds of that happening in a normal year are about the same as the Houston Texans winning the Super Bowl. All that got me thinking about odds and math.
So here are some math jokes: If you understand them you probably don’t
have many friends.
++++++
The problem with math puns is that calculus
jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are
usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.
But I guess the occasional statistics joke is
an outlier.
_______
Rioting mathematicians are pulling people from
their cars and asking them really hard word problems.
========
The number 13 was complaining that he was the worst
number.
Then number 666 said that he was the worst.
And number 2020 just laughed and laughed.
++++
If 666 is evil then the root of all evil is 25.8069.
…….
“Two copies of Math for Dummies at $16.99
each,” said the cashier at the bookstore to her customer. “That will be $50.”
****
An engineer thinks that his equations are an
approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his
equations. A mathematician doesn't care.
A statistician drowned in a river that was
three feet deep - on average.
How does a short mathematician count the
horses in a corral? He counts legs and
divides by four.
How can you tell you are in the hands of the
mathematical mafia? They make you an
offer you can’t understand.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose
some of their functions.
·
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:
whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and
forthwith it means something entirely different. -- Goethe
·
A topologist is a person who doesn't
know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
· Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went
again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after
the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money.
I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage
and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but
you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical
analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you
broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the
mathematician buys them all drinks and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened
wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both
demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, "first I
assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
^^^^^^^^
Two scientists were talking about how when you
drop a piece of toast it always falls butter side down.
One scientist disputed the idea and dropped a
piece of toast which landed butter side up.
“See, it’s not true.”
“It is.
You buttered the wrong side.”
Let me shift my humor gears
What do you give a person who has
everything? Broad-spectrum antibiotics.
People say that money is not the key to
happiness. I say if you have enough
money you can have a key made.
First, the doctor gave me the good news. I’m going to have a disease named after me.
Finally here are some lawyer jokes –
what were the odds of that?
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed,
beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed
steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for
the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $18.50.
In a few days, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.
----------
Two small boys met during their first day at
school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.
The United Way realized that it had never
received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United
Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny
to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through
the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United
Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut
off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so
sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them,
what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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