Back at it JOW #1050

 We are back home from the Rockies and have reestablished our routines.  They say that on average, a Panda eats about 12 hours a day.  Which is the same as a home under quarantine.  Which is why it is called a Pandemic.  My plan for today is to do nothing.  I did that yesterday, too, but I didn’t finish.  I did get finally get these Jokes of the Week done.

Some people say that 2020 is the worst year of their life.  But I like to quote Homer Simpson on that– “Worst year of your life so far.”

 Some thoughts from Bill

Four out of three people struggle with fractions.

 If you can’t laugh at yourself…someone else will do it for you.

 Of course size matters – nobody wants a small glass of wine.

 Today I rescued some wine that was trapped in a bottle.

 If I had to choose between drinking wine or being skinny I am not sure if I would chose red or white.

 Pubs – The official sunblock of Ireland

 My wife said I only have two faults.  I don’t listen to her and something else….

 My body is a temple – Ancient, crumbling, and probably cursed.

 Take the bouquet off my casket and throw it into the crowd so see who is next.

 Some days the supply of swear words is insufficient to meet my demands.

Patience is a virtue.  Just not one of my virtues.

 The best thing about the good old days is that I wasn’t old and I wasn’t particularly good, either.

 Should we now refer to white bread as ‘privilege loaf’?

 And if you tell your suitcases that you are not going to take them on vacation this year will you have to deal with emotional baggage?

 

From Woodie

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of fifty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for fifty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other thirty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you thirty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the thirty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...

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And a story about a couple who were about to celebrate their Fiftieth Anniversary.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

 "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son number one   'Sorry I'm running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

 "Not to worry," said the father.  "The important thing is we're all together today."

 Son number two arrived.  "You and Mom look great.  Dad,    I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

 “It’s nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary!  Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." 
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the

time to get married."  
The three children gasped and said, "WHAT?  You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too."

 Finally, an old folks remote story

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Mary became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel… you know how to fish!"