Spooky JOW #1954

This is a scary time for a lot of people.  There is a pandemic, a hurricane in the gulf, fires all over the west, a blue moon, Halloween, a time change, and I turn 70, all on the same week.  I did not write these Halloween jokes myself.  I used a ghost writer.

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Somebody asked me if I had plans for the fall.  It took me a moment to realize they were talking about autumn, not the collapse of civilization.

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I see California is having rolling blackouts again, which leads to the riddle, 

‘What’s the difference between the Titanic and California?’ 

‘The Titanic had its lights on when it went down.’

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Some of the neighborhood kids look better wearing masks.  Of course, the big issue is which mask they will wear; N95 or surgical.

>>>>> 

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t’ celebrate Halloween.  I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

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Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cackle manically and people will back slowly away from you

^^^^

Retreat — To get another piece of candy on Halloween

“”””

It must be fall: saw my first pumpkin spice facemask yesterday.

 

Some Halloween riddles.

 

Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?

 A: Boo jeans.

Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?

A: You never know which witch is which!

Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

A: Because they have no-body to go with.

Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?

A: At the ghost-ery store!

Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A: A pumpkin patch.

Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?
A: The Crossing Gourd.

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash.

Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A: A coffin.

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

 

Shifting gears

 

There have been so many jokes about this Covid that scientists claim we are in the midst of a pandemic.

My idea of gardening in 2020 is to plant myself in front of the TV set.  You should see how much I have grown.

My trash can has gone out more often this year than I have.

Me: Alexa, what’s the weather going to be this weekend?

Alexa: It doesn’t matter, you aren’t going anywhere.

The cops just left.  They said if I was going to walk around the house naked, I would have to do it inside.

If you think this lockdown is bad, think of Osama Bin Laden.  He was stuck inside with three wives for five years.  I bet he called those Navy Seals himself.

 

In consonance with the current political atmosphere, the band “The Police” will now be known as the “Social Workers”

 

I heard Twitter and Facebook are going to merge. They will be known as YouTwitface.

 

Tell me comrade, what is the definition of capitalism?

The exploitation of man by man.

And what is the definition of communism?

The reverse.

Some random thoughts

·         No one is perfect.  Everybody’s ass has a crack in it.

·         Don’t always trust everything you see.  Even salt looks like sugar

·         A ship is always safe at shore but that is not what it’s built for.

·         Any fool can know.  The point is to understand.

·         A smart person knows what to say.  A wise person knows whether to say it or not.

·         To a doctor, no one is healthy.  To a policeman no one is honest.  To a soldier no one is safe

And finally

“You know, it´s times like this I wished I had listened to what my mother has always told me.”
“What did she say?”
“I don´t know, I wasn´t listening.  But I remember what my father always said to me.”

“What was that.”

“Get out of the bathroom!  What are you doing in there?  Let somebody else have a chance.”