Ironic Maundering JOW #1052

 

I am approaching a ‘certain age’ - again.  Growing old should have taken longer.  I now run like the winded.  And when I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller? 

And as for my older friends, you still haven't learned to act your age - and I hope you never will.

·         Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Instead, spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

·         Hugh Hefner became a millionaire by staying home and wearing a bathrobe.  I’m not getting the same result.

·         Communications are better now, but on the other hand kids today will never have the joy of finding a quarter in a pay phone coin return.

·         Can you remember when drinking from a hose was the official sports drink?

·         The older I get, the earlier it gets late.  And the more I appreciate cancelled plans, early nights, and alcohol on sale.

·         At this point in my life the "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

·         The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

·         I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

·         I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but I did it.

·         When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.  And if you say, ‘you did nothing all day yesterday’ I reply that it’s because I did not finish.

And one more:

·         "One for the road" now means peeing before you leave the house

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I got pulled over by the cops.  He said, “I can smell alcohol on your breath.”

I told him that’s because he was not social distancing.

 

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

 

From Dick

Coronacoster -The ups and downs some people get with the pandemic.  One day you are loving the bubble, going for long walks, and baking banana bread. The next you are crying for no reason, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.

 

Covid self test.  At 5:00 PM open a bottle of wine.  If you can smell and taste it, begin the celebration.

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 Famous Last Words – ‘What a cute little bear cub.  Where’s your mother?”

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Job Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."

Interviewee: "I'd rather not. I kinda' want this job."

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

Ways to entertain yourself in the ‘fourth quarter.’

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

When someone asks what you did over the weekend, squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

 

More fun with words

·         Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters? 

·         Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"? 

·         And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"? 

·         Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, law-breaking jerks."   How weird is that? 

And finally

Bancroft was an unimpressive man.  He had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a knight.”
One day, a mad scientist overheard Bancroft’s and Alcott’s discussion. When he heard Bancroft’s plea for height, the mad scientist decided to intervene. He introduced himself to the gentlemen, and said he may have a solution to Bancroft’s ailment. He was working artificial knees fashioned from various metals: some copper, some brass but mostly iron. The mad scientist claimed this was designed to improve on the human bone which is fragile and weak. He tested it on himself and noticed that aside reducing the chance of injury there were notable positive side effects. He was able to run faster, jump higher and, oddly enough, was around six inches taller than before.
Bancroft did not need much convincing; he, immediately, agreed to the mad scientist’s proposal and wanted the knees installed right away. Alcott tried to convince Bancroft otherwise, but Bancroft did not care for Alcott’s plea. He made up his mind and would not have it any other way.
A few days later, the mad scientist completed the operation which was a success. Bancroft noticed his physical abilities improved substantially, and he was much taller. With this new found skill set and stature he marched to the king’s castle and demanded to join the king’s army. The commander put Bancroft through the initiation test which Bancroft passed with flying colors. The commander was amazed at Bancroft’s abilities and recruited him right away.
Bancroft went on for years fighting, defending the honor of the king. The king, himself, praised Bancroft for his valor and contribution to the nation. Bancroft was finally content, proud of his accomplishments and stronger than ever. He never mentioned his secret weapon to anyone fearing others will undergo the same operation, and then he would lose all the praise.
One day Bancroft collapsed while completing his rounds. Another knight determined that Bancroft was, in fact, dead. When doctor was examining Bancroft’s cold, dead body he noticed the artificial knees had rusted and the resulting Tetanus had killed Bancroft.
In the end the same object that made him a great warrior was the cause of his demise – oh, the iron knee!