Community Center JOW #1058

I love Thanksgiving – normally.  But this is not a normal year.  This year it instead of ‘over the river and through the woods’ it will be over the router and through the Wi-Fi to Grandmother’s house we Skype.  I recognize that even in 2020 we have a lot to be thankful for – as a nation we are so fortunate that even in bad times it is still pretty wonderful to be here.  That said, I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.  Has anyone tried unplugging this year and plugging it back in?  I mean, the library now has moved travel books to the Fantasy section, Politics to Sci-Fi, and Epidemiology is now in Self-Help.

 The Community Center in Indian Hills, Colorado has a famous sign which frequently posts puns and dad jokes.  Here are a few examples:

Break-in at the Apple store.  Police are looking for iWitnesses.

I ate a frozen apple.  Hard core.

Whenever I try to eat healthy a candy bar looks at me and Snickers

Wishing you a happy whatever doesn’t offend you

My friend David had his ID stolen.  Now he is just Dav

Irony, the opposite of wrinkly

Spiders and snakes are part of the eek-osystem.

We are in search of fresh vegetable puns.  Lettuce know.

Never trust a train. They have loco motives.

Kitchen remodelers are counter productive.

I was kidnapped my mimes.  They did unspeakable things to me.

My mood ring is missing and I don’t know how I feel about that.

My nose went on strike so I had to picket.

Alligators can grow up to twelve feet, but most only grow four.

Despite the high cost of living it remains popular.

The ideas of ‘I’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ has been disproved by science.

Pollen.  When flowers can’t keep it in their pants.

Is a dry cow an udder failure or a milk dud?

I was struck by a bottle of Omega 3 pills.  Fortunately my wounds were only super fish oil.

Disbarred lawyer finds new work as sue chef.

Dear Diet Coke, I feel like you are overreacting.  Sincerely, Mentos.

A few puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

I am terrified of elevators and I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I call my iPod Titanic because it’s syncing now.

Insect puns really bug me.

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

A joke doesn’t become a dad joke until it’s full groan.

I saw a baguette at the zoo.  It was bread in captivity.

It’s Jamaican hairstyle day tomorrow.  I’m dreading it.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon to see which comes first.

I’m pining for a good tree pun.  I wish they were more poplar.

Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?

The only things flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

I tried calling the tinnitus line.  It just kept ringing.

When I told the carpenter not to carpet my steps he gave me a blank stare.

Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty but he had a great fall.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

Puns about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them.

Puns about communism have no class.

I just can’t handle automatic doors.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

That awkward moment when a zombie looking for brains walks right by you.

Do memory foam mattresses wish they could forget?

If you marry a pirate with an eye patch is it the One I Love?

Where did the pirate get his hook?  The second hand store.

 WORDS OF WISDOM from Dick: 

·         Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.  

·         I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit. 

·         You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

Quotes:

“I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.  Picasso

“They say marriages are made in heaven.  But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“Want to know what God things of money?  Look at the people he gave it to.”  Dorothy Parker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” Abraham Lincoln

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.” – D. Martin

“A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.” – Robson Koenig

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” Yogi Berra

 

Thoughts:

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

I am not in jail, a hospital, or a grave – I’d say I am having a good day.

Killing them with kindness is taking way longer than I expected.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

There is nothing scarier than that moment when you lose your balance in the shower and thing “They are going to find me naked.”

 

Two final jokes:

The proud parents of little Bobby came to see him at his school play.  Halfway through the play, a portion of the floorboards break and little Bobby fell though.

“Don’t worry,” his dad assured his mom, “It’s just a stage he is going through.”

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One day Nancy’s answered her door bell to find an enormous beetle standing there.  He reaches out and pushes her down before running away.  Shaken Nancy goes to Urgent Care and explained what happened to the doctor.

“Ah, he said, “I’m not surprised; there’s a nasty bug going around.”