Post Feast JOW #1059

We had a great Thanksgiving, although the last thing my waistline needs is for me to pound down a few thousand more calories.  I don’t care.  I ate everything; well except for sweetbreads.  I am no zombie; besides, eating brains is very fattening.  A mind is a terrible thing to waist.

Here are some weighty jokes for your amusement.

 

How do you say "Hello" in Turkish?

Gobble, Gobble

 

The turkey says, "Gobble, Gobble."

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

----

What do you call a fat relative around Halloween?

A plump-kin

___

You should never fat-shame people

They've already got enough on their plate

But to be truthful, they won't exactly come running after you.

+++++

Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

>>>> 

What do you call a guy that overeats for the sole purpose of getting stomachaches?

A glutton for punishment.

 

 My current exercise routine:

·         Virtue Casting

·         Jumping to conclusions  

·         Carrying things too far

·         Dodging responsibilities

·         Pushing my Luck 

·         Leaping to conclusions

·         Casting aspersions

 

I did manage to burn 2000 calories.  I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.

>>>>>>>> 

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!” So the mother goes over and asks why she hit him and the lady replies "your son called me fat!”

To which the mother replies, “And you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

 

To shift off of fat jokes -

After binge watching CNN, Fox, and MSNBC - simultaneously - for nearly two days - a man decided he would hang himself in protest of the media's lack of integrity...

Thankfully he was unsuccessful. The rope broke.  He probably would be dead right now if not for that fake noose.

--------------

Netflix should make a series about what Mormons say before they ring the doorbell.

I would binge watch the shucks out of it.

<<<< 

If you only see one thing in your life it needs to be the Grand Canyon.

It's gorges.

^^^^^^

I just got kicked out of a Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the six foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone over the edge.

++++++++

A man found a magic lamp and upon rubbing it, released a genie.

I am a genie – I offer you three wishes

Make it four.

Granted.  You now have three left.

==========

Customer: What’s the Wi-Fi password here?

Bartender: you need to buy a drink first.

Customer: Okay, I’ll have a beer.

Bartender: Shiner okay?

Customer: Sure, how much?

Bartender: $4

Customer: so what is the password?

Bartender: youneedtobuyadrinkfirst.  No spaces.  All lower case.

~~~~~

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

 

And finally a silly  sort of food-related joke.

A young bachelor potato decides he wants a night out on the town. He hops in the shower and gets nice and clean, puts on some nice cologne, shaves off all those little hairs and puts on his best jacket. He decides to head down to a local bar for a drink and see where the night goes. As he orders his drink, he spied a juicy plump red tomato, just sitting alone at the end of the bar. Plucking up his courage, he goes to talk to her and offers her a drink.
She accepts, and they start talking, and find they get along really well. What the poor potato lad doesn't know is that this tomato has a boyfriend, and her boyfriend is the leader of a local gang of thug-carrots. One of these carrots is sitting in a shaded corner of the bar, and he sees this random potato talking up his boss’s girl. So he calls up the boss, who calls together the gang, and they all ride up to the bar on their motorcycles, dressed in the black leather, with the fingerless leather gloves and spiked knuckles, chain belts, bandanas and all.
They walk into the bar and immediately the atmosphere turns cold and others flee out of the bar through any exit they can. Someone calls for 911, knowing there's going to be trouble. The thug-carrots lay into the poor potato, beating him senseless. They beat him within an inch of his life. An ambulance roars into the parking lot and the thugs flee from the scene, leaving the poor potato hanging barely onto his life. They drive him to the hospital and rush him right into surgery.
Eighteen long grueling hours later, the doctor steps out of the surgery room. He's just spent eighteen hours straight operating on the poor potato, he's tired and exhausted, and immediately after stepping out of the surgery suite he gets ambushed by the potato's parents, asking for the status of their sun. The moms obviously been crying all night, the dad with his arm around her bravely fighting off tears to look strong. The doctor lets out a weary sigh and says "ok, ok Mr. and Mrs. Potato please calm down... I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is, you have a strong spirited healthy son, and we think he's going to pull through this. He is a strong kid and he's holding on better then we could have possibly hoped, responding fantastically to all the treatment. There is some bad news however... we're afraid that he may be a vegetable for the rest of his life!"