I for one am glad the elections are over because that means so are the campaign ads. The US has elected the oldest president in its history. Based on his condition and advanced age, Biden will be 78 when he is inaugurated - it is likely he will be a one term president, and indeed there is a very good chance he may pass on and wind up providing the United States with its first female president. I am confident that Ol’ Joe will stay in office longer that William Harrison, who only lasted a month before dying of pneumonia after giving a two hour inauguration speech in the rain. If Joe does shuffle off this mortal coil while in office it will probably be more like Warren G. Harding who lasted just over two years before he died, according to some, of a broken heart when he realized he was just a weak puppet for shadowy oligarchs.
Joe has been guilty, as have we all, of using the wrong word resulting in a humorous error called a malapropism. They will make up the bulk of this JOW. Here are a few examples.
·
He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
·
It was a case of love at Versailles.
·
He's got one of those sight-seeing
dogs.
·
In Algiers, they spend most of their
time at the cash bar.
·
My sister has extra-century
perception.
·
A fool and his money are some party.
·
All's fear in love and war.
·
Nip it in the butt.
·
Some viruses can lie doormat for
years.
·
To each his zone.
·
Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth
Chapel.
·
No more negotiating - it's a dumb
deal.
·
It's a long road to hold.
·
All I want from you kids is a little
piece of quiet
·
Some people drink themselves
into Bolivia
·
A friend of mine once noted that she
preferred “decapitated coffee.”
·
Another friend claimed her boyfriend
“took her for granite.”
·
A longtime Navy man was once reported
to have died from “sea roaches of the liver.”
Some medical malapropisms:
One woman told her doctor that she was going
through “mental pause,” before adding that her husband had quit smoking, “cold duck.”
(Did she mean that he had quit drinking Cold Duck?)
Another was said to have told a counselor that
she couldn’t have a sexually transmitted disease because, despite a recent
“falling down,” both she and her husband were unfailingly “monotonous.”
And then there was the
gastrointestinal patient who apparently got confused on the word
“spectrum” and said of a beautiful sunset, “It had all the colors of
the rectum.”
Here are a few other documented
malapropisms, or in the next case, simple nervous babbling.
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Question: If you could live forever, would you
and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever,
because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I
would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather
Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor
starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've
lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to
become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any
other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has
one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be
kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas...
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"Half this game is ninety percent
mental."
--Yogi Berra
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the
environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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"I love California. I practically
grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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"The word "genius" isn't
applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &
sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We
simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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"Your food stamps will be stopped
effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's
imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can
plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be
a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Newspapers (remember them?) have their
own problems with headlines. Here are
some examples.
Something
Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
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Police
Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
---------------------------- --
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes
Over
What a guy!
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Miners
Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair
trial!
---------------------------- -- ----------------------------
War
Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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Cold
Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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