Unemployed JOW #1057

I am so glad the election season is over – and I pity the poor people of Georgia who have another month of political ads left.  Now if only we could get by the Medicare enrollment period so we could lose those ads, too.  Of course, those ads are already being replaced by incessant holiday ads.  Thinking of the election I am recalling some of the past elections and how the departing presidents, even Al Gore who lost a very close, contested election, conceded their defeat with dignity and grace.  Alas, those two words are not in Donald Trump’s lectionary.  But that got me thinking about losing a job, something that happened to me on a number of occasions, which led to my jokes of the week.

Some unemployment quotes.

·         "An acceptable level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job" - Author Unknown

·         "It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours" - Harry S. Truman

·         "The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form" - Stanley J. Randall

·         "Collecting unemployment is the new 30" - Author Unknown

·         "When we're unemployed, we're called lazy; when the whites are unemployed it's called a depression" - Jesse Jackson

·         "Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished" - Leslie Nielsen

·         "Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life" - Anonymous

·         "Now joblessness isn't just for philosophy majors" - Kent Brockman

·         "We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us" - Author Unknown

·         "A mission statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn" - Dave Barry

·         "The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job" - Slappy White

·         "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early" - Charles Lamb

·         “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day" - Robert Frost

·         “Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden" - Orson Scott Card

·         "The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work" - Robert Frost

·         "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" - Robert Orben

·         "Unemployment has given me time to pursue real skills that will help further my non-existent career" - Author Unknown

·         "One of the main perks of being unemployed is that Mondays aren't really so bad" - Author Unknown

 

At the unemployment office: “Losing your job at the Community Center was obviously a blow.  Luckily we have come up with a volunteering opportunity for you… running the local Community Center.”

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More from the unemployment office: “Charley, we are going to have to lay you off.  See you here on Monday.”

<<<<< 

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with, "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

>>>>> 

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Police Chief: "You're fired."

Me: *turns in gun and badge*
Police Chief: “You’re a janitor where did you get those”

^^^^^

I couldn't keep working on my previous job after what my boss said to me.

She told me, "You're fired."

^^^^^^

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.  

Let that one sink in.

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I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"
Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"
Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"
Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"
Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"
Director: "CUT! That's it, you're fired!"
Me: "Wait, why?"
Director: "Because you keep messing up the punch line!"

~~~~~~~~~

Responding to the Corona virus shutdown, a Seattle business owner called in his four employees for a meeting.  I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the hapless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

 

Enough out of work jokes

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

…..

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.

He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”

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I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.  I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite having no discernable brain.  This gives me hope for so many people.

+++++++++

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsor

And finally

The Bible tells us to love one another.  The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.