I don’t usually approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected. But with the election before us I felt
compelled to chip in some jokes of that type.
There is a lot of uncertainty about this election. Of course, we probably won’t know who will be
leading our country for the next four years on election night. In fact, If Biden wins we may not know who is
running things for years.
Here are a few bits of relatively benign political humor.
+++++++
Two friends with radically different political views are
on their way to the polls on Election Day. One guy turns to the other and says
"You know, we've argued about this for months, and we're obviously going
to vote for different candidates. Our votes will cancel each other out anyways,
so why don't we just call it a draw and go home instead?"
Other guy agrees, they shake hands and part ways.
Another guy who overheard the conversation approaches the
dealmaker and says with admiration, "That's a real sportsmanlike offer you
just made!"
"Not really," guy says, “I’ve already done this
three times just this afternoon."
^^^^^^^
My own father recently voted Democratic. He would have
never done something like that if he was still alive.
`````````````
A Harley Biker is sitting on his Harley, drinking a beer,
by the Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's
cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her
inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on
the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents,
who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant
and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist,
you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what
do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine; I’m in town for a Trump rally."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news
of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”
I feel empowered to make fun of other country’s
elections.
Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote. Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave
myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to
look suspicious
~~~~~
After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff
Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad
news for you.”
Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small
rhino with my bare Russian hands. Tell me!”
Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”
Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth can be the good news?!”
Staff: “You got 52%.”
___________
Advisor: Putin! I have some good news and some bad news.
Which would you like to hear first?
Putin: The good news of course.
Advisor: You won the election!
Putin: So then what’s the bad news?
Advisor: No one voted for you.
****
In Egypt, the election system used to be that people
would vote yes or no to the current president to determine whether elections
were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs
saying yes to the president. But one man decided to vote no.
Later that night, the man could not sleep, afraid he might have made the
wrong decision. So the next day he goes to the poll workers
"I believe I have voted for the wrong option yesterday," he says.
"I want to change my vote to a yes"
The poll worker smiles at him and says: "No problem we corrected it for
you."
===========
Following are the multiple choice options of the North
Korean elections
A:Kim Jong Un
B:A
C:B
D:C
Even the Papal elections are fodder for jokes
The papal elections came down to two contenders:
Cardinal Koch and Cardinal Sea. The votes were tallied
and Cardinal Koch won by 1 vote. However, moments later, Koch suffered a
massive heart attack.
The Dean came out of the room where they took Koch. He looked at the assembled
cardinals. They asked, “Will we have Pope Koch?”
The Dean shook his head and said, “Koch is gone, is Pope Sea ok?”
And finally a Jewish mother semi-political joke
The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the
first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom,
I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young
as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and
take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I
wear?
Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by
the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods
you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going
to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really
want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being
sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new
President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says,
"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming
President of the United States?"
The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
No comments:
Post a Comment