Dick sends me some good jokes. His latest are from the cartoon character ‘Maxine’. I had an aunt who was pretty much like Maxine. Here are a few of her sayings:
·
Sure, marriage
can be fun some of the time. The trouble
is that you’re married all the time
·
I believe
everything happens for a reason. Usually that reason is that somebody screwed
up.
·
Thanks to the
internet you can get hopelessly in debt without ever leaving your house.
·
If there is a
tourist season, how come we can’t shoot them?
·
If you need a
shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.
·
Big surprise,
even my blood type is negative.
·
The only way I’ll
drop ten pounds is to go shopping in England.
·
Celebrate Ben
Franklin’s birthday. Go fly a kite.
·
I found an honest repair man. He honestly doesn’t know how to fix anything.
·
Most of the people you see in lingerie stores
you wouldn’t want to see in lingerie.
·
I’m picking out wine for the family dinner. Which one goes with nuts?
·
Prices these days are like a pair of cheap
underwear. Every time you turn around it
seems to creep up just a little.
·
I’ve got to start taking care of myself. Whoever was supposed to be doing it has done
a really crappy job.
Enough with Maxine.
Here are a few more jokes.
Never judge a book by its
cover.
Use the paragraph on the
back, it tells you what the story is about.
`````
A gymnast walks into a
bar. She got a terrible score
^^^^
So I'm reading a horror
story in braille
And I feel that something
bad is going to happen
<<<<
My daughter can't decide
whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...
I guess she'll have to
flip a coin....
Heads or Tales.
>>>>>
I wondered how all those
North Koreans could march in such straight lines. Then I remembered that they have a Supreme
Ruler.
====
Whether glass coffins
become popular - remains to be seen.
~~~~
I am reading a story about
what happens if you line a grave with concrete...The plot thickens!
----------
A gangster sidled up to
the owner of a deli and, looking at a smoked ham the owner had for sale said to
him.
“That’s a nice ham you
have there. It would be a shame if
somebody but an ‘S’ in front of it and an ‘E’ at the end.”
++++
I saw a story about how
Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An
argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!!
That's the trouble with
the news today, it’s all sax and violins.
Some longer jokes.
In Nova Scotia back in the
day the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made
driving difficult for even the best drivers.
An older couple’s son got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail.
This was about an hour’s drive from where they lived. They got word of what
happened and set out to pick him up. On their way home it got dark and the fog
was ever so thick. The old man was not a good driver at the best of times and
the conditions on this night drove his anxiety through the roof.
He had been following a larger vehicle for about 30 minutes with nowhere to
pass and the leading vehicle was going quite slow.
Eventually the vehicle he was following stopped and just sat there. The old man
in his angry voice said to his wife, “What in the name of God is that man doing
stopped in the middle of the road?”
To which my grandmother
replied, “Ephraim, the man has pulled into his driveway.”
---------------------
A gas station owner was
trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with
Every Fill-Up.”
Rob pulled in, filled his
tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to
10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said
"today is my birthday, I’m feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".
The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex
this time.”
A week later, Rob, with his friend Marvin, pulled in for another fill-up. Again
Rob asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and
asked him to guess the correct number. Rob guessed 2. The proprietor said,
“Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Marvin said to Rob, “I think that game is rigged and
he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.”
Rob replied, “No it’s genuine enough Marvin. My wife won twice last week.”
And finally
Back in the glory days of
the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta.
One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be
brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, lest the Republic
fall. So once the plague was over, riders were sent to the four directions,
plus two, to find replacements who had been born at the same moment the old
ones had died.
When the riders came back, they found that they had brought back one too many.
The recruits drew straws, and the one with the short straw was free to go her
way. But now here she was hundreds of miles—sorry, thousands of stadia—from
home, with nothing to do.
Being an enterprising young lass, she started an olive oil company and grew it
into the largest woman-owned business in the whole Republic. She sold only
first-pressed, cold-pressed oil, and people loved it.
Needless to say she called
her company "Extra Virgin Olive Oil."
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