One of the signs that America is coming back
to ‘normal’ is full baseball stadiums.
As the oldest continuously played professional sport in the world,
baseball has a host of good jokes starting with children and ending with the Cleveland Symphony
Orchestra. What do they have to do with
baseball? Read my JOW and find out.
=======
At one point during a little
league game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the
little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is
whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the
affirmative.
"So," the coach continued,
"I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the
umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the
affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I
take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
It’s not a dumb-ass decision or that the
coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
Something to ponder:
“Why do we sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ when we’re already
there?”
A couple of Covid jokes
My friend came back from his
baseball game and complained it was hot.
He said because of COVID there
were no fans.
It’s the first
baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener
of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit
with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runner takes out his mask and begins to put it on.
The boy asks his father, “Why is he covering his
face, Dad?”
The father answers, “Watch - he’s going to steal
second.”
Three baseball riddles
·
What goes all the way around the
baseball field but never moves?
The fence.
·
What’s the difference between a
pickpocket and an umpire?
One steals watches and one watches steals.
·
When should baseball players wear
armor?
When they’re playing knight games.
An apartment building is on fire and people are at the window, screaming
for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a
baseball player. I can catch you.”
One smart resident decided to get more
information, first. “Wait,” he said.
“What team do you play for?”
“The Baltimore Orioles,” shouts the man.
“Meh,” shrugs the resident. “I’ll take my chances
with the fire.”
+++++++++++
I opened a fresh loaf of bread and
found a baseball card wedged between two slices.
It was a Catcher in the Rye.
<<<<<<<<<<
Did you hear about the Toronto
baseball player who got a ticket for illegally crossing the street? He was Jaywalking
~~~~~~~
A baseball came through my window today
It really hit home
`````````
Some punk kids threw a baseball
through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other
window to get it!
Let me tell you, it was a pane and
a half to replace.
Here is one of my favorite
jokes
A guy walks into a bar with a dog
and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"
The guy says "This isn't a
pet, he's my friend and he can talk."
The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.
The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?"
The dog replies "Rough!"
The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.
The guy asks the dog "What do people put
over the top of their house?"
The
dog replies "Roof!"
The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one
more chance.
The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest
baseball player of all time?"
The
dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender is fed up and throws them out.
The
man sits disconsolately on the curb. His
dog comes up, sits beside him, looks up at his master and says “DiMaggio?”
^^^^^^
Who was the most basic person to
ever play the game of baseball?
Al Kaline (This is a chemistry
joke provided by Mr. A. Cid.)
>>>>>>>>>>
A couple of Yogi Berra's teammates
on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky
catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across
the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch -
but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw
the baby to second base.
Or as Dave
Berry put it:
If a woman has to
choose between catching a fly ball or catching a falling infant
she will always choose to catch the baby without
even considering if there are men on base.
And finally
The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for
twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on
stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their
tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It
seemed like a good idea at the time.
On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as
planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested,
"Hey we've got twenty minutes, let's fun across the street to the bar for
a few!"
This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos
and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass
players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time."
But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some
extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance
started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie
each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another
round!"
So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering -
they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.
Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's
haggard, drawn and livid expression.
"Gee," one player queried, "Why do you suppose he
looks so tense?"
"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's
the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded."
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