Hodgepodge JOW #1096

 Having just gotten back from a nice vacation in the cool mountains of southern Colorado, I don’t really have a theme for this week’s jokes; just some random thoughts and a few leftovers jokes.  I hope you enjoy them.

*Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.

*Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

* Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus... or a really cool opotamus?
* Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something
* I had one anchovy. That's why I didn't have two anchovies
* I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
* This jacket is dry clean only... which means it's dirty.
* If you're a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture.
* I don't own a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
* Snake eyes. It's a gambling term. Or it's an animal term, too.
* A fly was very close to being called a "land" because that's what it does half the time.
* I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally heats things up.
* Nothing wise was ever printed on an apron
* I’m afraid of sharks but only in a water situation

*The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

*I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly.

*Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

*I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

*Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

*I’m tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period.

~~~~~

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)

>>>>> 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

<<<<<<< 

I don’t care how nice the hand soap is, you should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers

++++++

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.  Just one byte.

=======

I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.

^^^^^

I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.  I am not in trouble yet.  But the thyme is cumin.

****

My wife once said, “Sex is better during vacation”.

That was not a nice postcard to receive.

```````

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Some leftover dog jokes

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of strong red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within a few minutes returns with a lovely bottle of Bordeaux wine in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet.

"Wow, that dog is amazing," the guy says. "What kind is it?"

"Oh, he's nothing special," the bartender replies. "Just a Bordeaux collie."

>>>>> 

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

>>>>>>> 

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender says, “That will be $15."

There was a long uncomfortable silence before the bartender said, “You don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often."

The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

-----

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." 

He said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

……….

A man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says...
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

And finally

An adult son tried having his mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told him that since the account was in his dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit him: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”